I do not know what has happened to me this week; I seem to have sunk into a depression that I cannot get myself out of. I just want to hibernate in bed and eat crap food…the crap food has been eaten, but the hibernation hasn’t been achieved as I have to get up each morning for the horses!
I really don’t know what’s wrong. I haven’t spoken to my Slimming World consultant about it, but when I was going through my yo-yo phase she said that she thinks I sabotage myself. My goal of losing 8st by Christmas feels like it’s slipping from my grasp – 11lbs to go – as I’ve eaten awfully this week and really feel like I’ll have a gain at tomorrow’s weigh-in. I don’t know if I secretly don’t want this target, which is crazy, but I seem to be doing all of the wrong things at the moment.
As much as I don’t like talking about negatives, I started this blog as a way of tracking my 30st + weight loss, so I feel I should include the ups and downs and not just gloss over things. Had I only got 7lbs to lose, these issues probably wouldn’t crop up, but on a journey like mine there are bound to be trials and tribulations!
I guess I should ring my wonderful Slimming World consultant; she is fabulous and the most supportive person I could hope to have in my corner. Perhaps this is part of the problem, I don’t want to let her down. Nor do I want to let down my wonderful other half who cooks for me and makes wonderful Slimming World creations, or my Mum who’s helping me financially whilst I take some time out of the world of work to focus on losing weight, or my Dad who’s petrified that I’ll end up having to have surgery or dying before he does, or my Sister who worries that she’ll lose me and that I won’t get to see my niece and nephew grow up, and of course I have the horses who I love and cannot wait to ride…phew!! Having a great support network around you is so important when you’re trying to lose weight, and I’m so lucky to have this, however, it can also be a bit of a strain and add a lot of pressure. I desperately do not want to let people down and really want them to be proud of me, and I want to succeed for not only them, but for myself. Each week after class I text each of them to let them know how I’ve done, and they’ll either text back, or ring, and tell me how fabulous it is that I’ve lost weight. It seems that my life is so consumed by weight loss, how well I’ve done, what I’ve eaten that day, have I stayed on plan, was that meal syn free and Slimming World friendly, etc…it feels like I’ve lost me and who I am and instead have been replaced by a strange fictional weight loss machine.
I am also petrified at the thought of putting on weight. I haven’t stayed the same, or put weight on since May of this year, and have had such a good run of losses that losing 3lbs last week upset me…I wanted more given the amount I have to lose. I don’t want to become obsessed, but as my Mum is helping me out financially, I feel like I have to give her a return on her investment! This type of thinking couldn’t be further from my Mum’s mind, as she is genuinely one of the nicest people you hope to meet, but this is also another reason I want to succeed; I don’t want to take advantage of her kind nature! If I put weight on, even if it is justified by a week of poor eating that would have Slimming World spinning in their grave, then I know it will devastate me and I’m worried that I’ll be off the wagon and fall apart. I would also dread sending my weekly post weigh-in texts, as know those people in my corner would be disappointed and that I’d get the Spanish Inquisition from my well-meaning but not very tactful Dad! Boy, do I have issues or what?
Anyway, I feel better having got that off my chest – which, incidentally, is quite small given my considerable size…I’m hoping that I don’t lose the little I have during this epic journey! I’m sure I will re-read this and realise what a muppet I’m being, give myself a kick up the backside, and crack on with losing this weight.
Keep your fingers crossed for tomorrow’s weigh-in for me…if any of my wonderful relatives are looking down on me can arrange a small loss this week, or at worst a ‘stay the same’, that would be lovely!
Love to you all,