I am having a not so good day!
Despite how great I feel now, it is so bloody tough at times to stay on track. It is even tougher when I know that I will never really end up where I want to. That body I always craved just won’t happen regardless of how much effort I put in, as my actions have destroyed my body and pushed it beyond the limits of normality.
I will never be able to wear a bikini without attracting stares for example – either the loose skin will attract them, or the scars from skin removal surgery will attract them. I might not be able to wear a nice pencil skirt unless my legs get in shape…the swollen ankles I have now just don’t seem to be shifting. My dream of wearing cropped jeans with killer heels is also out of the questions if my legs don’t shape up. And goodness knows what kind of cover up I will end up in on my wedding day!
Whilst I am well aware that these are minor issues compared to saving my life, they are issues all the same. I hear so many stories of people losing a lot of weight and not being happy with how they look…and I can understand where they are coming from. So this isn’t a pity post, it is just me trying to be realistic and not lull myself into a false sense of security.
There are days when I wonder if it is all worth it…today is one of them!
I watched a lady cross the car park at Asda today – killer heels, pencil skirt…she looked like an office bitch, which is the look I would like to secretly aim for too! Whilst I have no idea about her ability or personality – she could have been a dimwit or she could hold a PhD, she could be a class-A bitch or a real sweetheart – it was not these things that I was looking at. This kind of saddens me really…as I know this is how we all behave, unwittingly most of the time…we look and appraise what we see.
In my heart of hearts I knew then that I would not ever really be happy with my body.
But what can I do? I certainly cannot stop – that isn’t even something I would think about. So how do I focus on all of the good things but ignore the issues that might really bug me? I see such lovely looking people around and desperately want to look the same…but know that I never will. It sounds so shallow of me, and as I am not a shallow person, it pisses me off that I even feel like this…I should be proud and happy, and I am – but there are niggles! I guess as I have never been a ‘normal’ size…I wore adult clothes at primary school…my dreams of being normal have been there for so long that it is hard to escape them and to accept that it just won’t happen for me.
I will have to aim to be a bigger person – bigger in all things other than size of course – to live a life that is full of happiness. Spend time with my family, spend time helping others, spend time in the great outdoors and with my horses. All of these things make me happy – but I can’t quite give up that idea of being a princess that all little girls have at one point!
Gosh – I am starting to feel sorry for myself now, so I will take a moment to kick myself…there, done it! Of course I am thrilled with my progress – it is fantastic and I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful madam. It is just that there are certain days when it would be so easy to throw the towel in. And those days are made harder when I know that what I am working towards will never happen – my rational mind knows that I am working towards health and well-being, but my irrational mind is still trying to fulfil the princess complex and the crazy childhood dream of being a glamour model! Fecking hell…my mind is a strange place at times!
I just need to keep going, and I will keep going. The good news is that despite these wobbly days, and the temptation to give in, I haven’t veered off track. The next project is the gym and focussing on sorting that side – which of course will help with the body issues. It won’t solve them, nothing other than the estimated £60,000 of skin removal surgery will solve those (goodness knows where the dosh for that will come from!) but it should help. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind and success happens when the mind is in the right place. So my gym induction is booked for Monday!
Whilst I allow myself days to think as I have done today, I need to nip them in the bud and focus on moving forwards. I can deal with the rest as it happens, but I don’t want to train myself to believe in a happy ever after Cinderella-type fantasy. So the reality is that whilst I won’t ever look like Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft, I can be a happy, wobblier version!
Other than my self-pity today I haven’t been up to much. I saw the horses, who are fine and coping well in this wet weather. We popped to the shops. We also headed to see my nephew before he went on holiday. I could hear him shouting my name from behind the door – he sounded so excited…I love him to bits. My sister is trying to convince me to have a baby as she wants another but only whilst they are baby-aged! The look of horror on my other half’s face was a picture…I don’t think baby-making is on the agenda! It has been a quiet afternoon – a catch up with a couple of friends and not much else really. I am waiting for news of my glasses so that I can get stuck into my reading for university…it is so frustrating having a pile of books and not being able to read.
Breakfast: Fruit and yogurt.
A gorgeous food day today! I love the Total 0% Greek yogurt and had some for brekkie with fruit…it was lovely! Lunch was a homemade veggie soup – a couple of packets of soup mix from Asda – which had carrots, onion, potato, parsley and swede in it – along with some stock and garlic. I also made a couple of cheese, spinach and red onion toasties. Dinner was a lovely homemade veggie curry – sweet potato, butternut squash, onions, mushrooms, spinach, green beans, tomatoes and peppers, with garlic, chilli flakes and madras powder. I had some Uncle Bens pilau rice with it which was where the syns came from.
Exercise: Not much!
Thank you for reading and apologies for my ‘down’ post!
Weight Loss Bitch xxx