…Mr WLB wants me to let him loose again! He has been emailing little suggestions over to me all day!
Things that he thinks I should mention to you. However, his idea of mentionable behaviour and mine are a little out of synch at times. We talk about all sorts in private…but sometimes you just know that it’s not right to share.
Yet sharing is what I will do…nothing ventured, nothing gained as ‘they’ say…whoever ‘they’ are’ So I will warn you now…there is talk about private parts…do not read any further if you offend not so easily!
His first email read as follows – ‘Licking an iPhone connector – say you keep on getting zapped by it. Also talk about Winston weapon. Say you nearly used him last week when I went for a wee.’
Shall I translate?
The iPhone and various Apple gadget chargers are plugged in next to my chair. I quite often put the extension socket on the chair next to me, as some of the leads are quite short and I work whilst the iPad is charging…as I am doing right at the this moment in time. There are occasions when the charger will not be in use, and the lead will sit alongside my leg. I yelped yet again recently when I got a little shock from said charger…one of my leg hairs made contact with the end if it and it shocked me!
Now please don’t get the wrong idea…my leg hairs are not a foot long or anything…but it just happens that on these occasions, hair and charger make contact. So Mr WLB said, “What do you think would happen if I licked it?!” Seriously…this is the level of individual I live with…Johnny Knoxville and his ‘Jackass’ crew have a lot to answer for!
He didn’t lick it and I didn’t encourage him!
As for ‘Winston Weapon’…what can I say? Winston is a candle stick that sits on my bedside table. I quite like a nice scented candle and so Winston is the man. There was a night in the not so distant past that Mr WLB decided that he needed a cigarette in the early hours of the morning. I am a light sleeper, but missed him heading downstairs. Yet I woke up when I heard noises in the kitchen. I looked over and saw a man-shaped hump in the bed next to me – mistook my dog’s breathing for Mr WLBs breathing – and began to panic.
Waking him up didn’t even enter the equation. Mr WLB is not a confrontational person and would probably have screamed like a girl. So I decided that I would face the intruder alone. I got out of bed quietly and made my way to the bedroom door…but spotted Winston on the way…and just picked him up. I stayed put, but then heard the stairs creak. My heart was beating like never before and I was poised and ready to strike.
Luckily, for both of us, Mr WLB decided to cough just as he reached the bedroom door. I managed to register the fact that it was him, before launching Winston in the direction of his head!
I seriously thought that there was an intruder…I was running on adrenaline and my mind was racing. I have never screamed and raged as much as I did at him then – well, I reckon I might have screamed more at some point – but my body was ready to fight and I needed that release…the poor neighbours.
Mr WLB now nudges me if he ever has a midnight cigarette. Another reason perhaps for him to quit?!
His second email simply said – ‘Say you were most put out and that he forgot the beans for beans on toast but remembered his American fancy lady! Also say that you haven’t had much dib dab.’
Again, I will translate!
You have probably read about the time that we both really fancied beans on toast for dinner…and he headed to the shop to buy the dinner…yet forget the fecking beans! Recently, an American colleague of his has been chatting to him about sweets. He is sending her some LoveHearts and DibDabs…so I jokingly referred to the beans on toast debacle and questioned how he can remember something for a woman across the Atlantic…yet can’t remember our own dinner. And I also said that I wasn’t sure that I was comfortable with him DibDab’ing a colleague! Considering the size I reached, our DibDab’ing went on hold for quite some time!
His third email was prompted by a comment from our Pilates instructor, and said – ‘Candles, and setting my jeans on fire.’
The translation of this email links to our Pilates studio. There were some lovely scented candles in the corner of the room…and he made a beeline for the mat next to them. The instructor said, “I am a little concerned that you are so close to the candles”…she knows him so well already.
You see, Mr WLB is clumsy. As I write this I have just heard a scream from the kitchen…he has just taken a bag of steam veggies out of the microwave and burnt himself. He also set his jeans on fire recently when the end of his cigarette fell on the floor and got caught under them…without him realising. He didn’t realise he was on fire. I smelt something, he didn’t…I saw the bottom of his jeans burning and put him out.
Finally – is that relief I hear?! – his last and most controversial email said, ‘Could be sat on the sofa and embark in mutual masturbation than go to the theatre this evening! Then remarked but I’d need to go and have a shower and can’t be arsed!’
Now the cringeworthy translation of this links to my incredibly warped and sarcastic mind. So I do apologise. I was in a very bad mood yesterday…a very bad mood. I did not want to go to the theatre. I had read the reviews…all of which were pretty scathing. I was tired, I wanted to stay in my PJs, I wanted to stay in bed. I did not want to have to shower. In fact, I had gone and hid in bed and Mr WLB had come and found me.
I was being a madam and said, “For goodness sakes, I would rather sit on the sofa and engage in mutual masturbation than go to the theatre tonight. But even for that I would need a shower really…and I just cannot be arsed!”
Now that I have lost you as a blog reader, I will just clarify that mutual masturbation is not something which happens often on my sofa…or ever on my sofa I don’t think! I was trying to prove – in a rather shocking way – my distaste for the theatre production last night. I was right to have this level of distaste following our experience…the masturbation seems all the more appealing!
One man opposite us on the front row fell asleep. We had ordered end of row tickets, but turned up to find the seating reconfigured which would have jammed me between people…so I had to sort that out. I just told the box office that I did not want to be sitting half on someone else’s lap, and that they needed to sort it. I think they could tell that I wasn’t impressed, and so did. Mr WLB had forced me to go last night, as it was his choice, yet sat there like stone for the first ten minutes…I could tell he hated it. So how did I get my own back? Well, I refused to leave during the interval and made us sit through the whole production…17th century weirdness.
The journey home was fun. He admitted that he had discovered that he should just let me decide on our entertainment…maybe the masturbation would have been okay after all?!
Now that he has dug me a hole that is going to be hard to recover from, I think I will move onto to the usuals and promise a vanilla blog topic of exercise for tomorrow evening!
Today has been very sedate. I woke up lazily and stayed in bed for a while, finishing ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ and chatting with Mr. We then got up and I made brunch, before settling down to a coaching call with a rather lovely lady who needs to learn to realise how bloody amazing she is! After this, I mooched for a while and caught up with social media stuff, and planned all of my Facebook recipes and stuff for the week ahead…this takes hours – I don’t think I realised quite how much was involved in this – but it’s a pleasure! Then it was time for dinner. I buggered up here as I hadn’t realised how long braising steak takes to cook…and I forgot foil and so couldn’t cover it. I decided to cook it in stock…which dried up and resulted in frisbee steak…but it was okay – really…it wasn’t that bad! Top Gear is currently being watched, and I am going to get an early night for more coaching tomorrow and another Slimming World talk too.
Brunch: Cooked breakfast – turkey rashers, Linda Mc sausages, scrambled eggs, fried mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, and spinach.Dinner: Braising steak and veggies (2 syns).Snacks: Cheese and spinach toasties (2 x HEA and 2 x HEB) and Total Greek yogurt with cherries and chopped Nakd bars (13 syns).A good food day. It started well with a cooked brekkie. Then I snuck in a snack whilst dinner was cooking as I had mis-timed that. So I had my wholemeal rolls toasted and partnered this with cheese and spinach. Then it was dinner…braising steak, gravy, carrots, green beans, leeks, cabbage, sprouts, cauliflower, and broccoli – I definitely got my 5-a-day in today! And then my new gorgeous dessert discovery…chopped Nakd bar with the Asda frozen cherries and Greek yogurt…it’s like a cakey lovely thing.
Exercise: Nothing at all!
Thank you for reading…and I really do promise a vanilla blog tomorrow night!
Weight Loss Bitch xxx