Please don’t worry…this isn’t a ‘poor me’ rant. But let’s face it, at this size I am not able to do the stuff that ‘normal’ people take for granted. It is what it is though and I am fine with it – especially now that I am doing something to change it! There have been a multitude of attempts on my part to try and live a life as close to the one that I want though…and often with interesting results. I thought I would reminisce and share with you a story of Christmas festivities and team-building activities…what a fecking nightmare it was!
It was approaching Christmas 2010 and the dreaded words came out of my bosses mouth, “we need to have an end of year HR team event and Christmas party.” ‘Bloody marvellous’, I thought. Now I love socialising and in my day was quite the girl about town…think podium dancing and throwing shapes – and then throwing up my vodka and tequila shots (in fact I rarely threw up…what a waste of Jose Cuervo!). Yet back in 2010 I was working with a woman who thought that she was some sort of motivational guru who only had to spend ten minutes in your presence to miraculously change your outlook. She was a plonker – I only wished I had seen it sooner. In fact, she was the lady who kept telling me that she had “made allowances for my size” and had arranged “ground floor meetings” for me…despite us never having a meeting in a fecking ground floor room and no allowances as far as I could see! Oh, I am lying – she did allow me to order a larger office chair – one meant for an arse slightly bigger than that of a pre-pubescent girl! The wheels ended up popping off it as I was too fat, so I took the rest off and had to pretend that I had done it on purpose – I just hadn’t wanted a strained wheel to fly off and blind the apprentice!
Anyway, back to the motivational guru. She used to tell me that I wasn’t ‘strategic’ enough – so I would get all ‘strategic’, and then she would tell me that I wasn’t ‘operational’ enough…yes, you guessed it, I would get all ‘operational’ and surprise, surprise, at our next meeting I would be told about the strategic shite again. And it wasn’t that I couldn’t find a balance, it was that she didn’t know her arse from her elbow and would have struggled to organise a piss-up in a brewery without getting together a ‘working group’ beforehand! Needless to say, I spent most of my time ignoring the shite that came out of her mouth and trying to protect my team from much of the same…for fear that we would all believe the hype and be severely let down. So when she decided to get a ‘working group’ together to plan this Christmas extravaganza, you can imagine the joy. Probably the worst part of this is that I have a rather expressive face and failed to hide my disdain!
Anyway, the planning commenced at a pace. I was regaled with tales of the previous year which was a day long cooking course – standing up in a hot kitchen all day long, to then eat the food that your colleagues sweat had dropped on all day. Now, for someone who was pushing 40st at this point, the prospect of a day of standing up and chopping vegetables in a hot room was worse than the prospect of licking the ensuing sweat from her armpit! Luckily for me however, she confirmed that we would be spending the day at a place called ‘The Pudding Club’ in a little village in the Cotswolds. The look of disdain soon switched to one of those glazed-over looks that a fat girl gets when thinking about puddings. That was until I saw the itinerary…and until I arrived for the HR team building day.
First up was ‘welcome drinks in the bar’ – fine, except this was followed by a trek through the venue and up a series of stairs. Innocent you may think, but for me it was hell. I would have preferred to arrive early to get settled and to recover before my colleagues saw the sweating mess that was me after tackling a set of stairs. So…the sweaty mess made it to the room and found that the chairs were tiny with fixed arms – and that night I actually had red sores on the side of my thighs from squeezing into them…and bruises for a while too. Hmmm…allowances?! Oh, and there wasn’t much room between the tables so I had to pick my seat carefully so that I had an exit route which didn’t see my bum knocking people over! 😉
We then had to do some sort of presentation in front of the team – and it wasn’t sufficient to sit and chat to the group, even though it was an informal session, she made me stand up and do it. At this point in time I couldn’t stand for long and so I was in agony! My back had gone numb, my hands were shaking and my voice must have sounded so silly – as the pain was immense. I just felt like shite – but what could I do?
It was then time for the ‘treasure hunt’ – a timed hunt around the village with a bunch of competitive people. I told her I was staying behind – as did she and another lady. But she actually said to the other lady, “oh, she never ventures far!” – I could have wiped her face down the walls of the room and stuffed the treasure down her throat. We were then treated to a visit from an NLP specialist – who was supposed to be there to conduct a fun and engaging session, during which we were supposed to increase our communication skills. This visit had actually bumped my event for the day off the list – and so I was delighted when it fell flat on its arse and left us all puzzled. Even my boss couldn’t fail to admit what an epic fail it was…1-0 to the Weight Loss Bitch. Oh, and this session also involved standing in a circle and holding hands…FFS!
Anyway – the day continued with lots of issues to challenge me. The buffet lunch was delicious, but I happened to sit opposite the HR scrawn bag who decided that one potato wedge had filled her up enough! For goodness sakes, I could have eaten the plate at this point! I was so fed up and depressed with my size, and so peed off with the little things that meant my day was another nightmare…I could have hoovered the buffet up! My normal working day was fine – I would get to the office early and get ‘settled’ and then I would generally be one of the last out. I would park close to the door and I wouldn’t go out at lunch. No life really, but it meant that I could get by without feeling like a total dick. So days like this, which were supposed to be fun, sent me into deep depression. After lunch, I sat there with my stomach grumbling all afternoon as I had tried to emulate the scrawn bag and had agreed that the ‘wedge’ was indeed very filling!
Like I said though, this isn’t a ‘poor me’ post, it is just a little reminder of a day which stands out for me as being a nightmare. Far from being the understanding and compassionate person she claimed to be, my boss actually went out of her way at times to highlight my struggles I felt.
Once the rest of the afternoon was over, we had some free time to relax before an evening of cocktails and desserts. Perfect if I had been with a group of trusted friends, but a nightmare when with colleagues – even though I considered, and still do, one of them as a good friend and got on well with everyone. I guess I just wanted them to see the front I put on, and not the real me. And the front could be achieved during the working day, but not all night too!
So I got ready for the evening, and headed off for cocktails. Now as an expressive person at the best of times, alcoholic drinks and a boss I thought needed bringing down a peg or two was not a good combination. I had to work so hard not to just tell it as I found it. She complained all evening, despite the obvious effort the owners had gone to. First of all it was because the champagne wasn’t the right kind, and then it was because of the five puddings they had cooked for us to try there wasn’t a chocolate one. And so it went on. As a well spoken lady and educated lady, with money, I would have thought she would have been a little politer than she was…I guess you can’t buy class or manners though!
It was with great relief that I headed to bed that evening…planning an epic early morning pampering session. And here is the reason for tonight’s title, ‘things I haven’t done in ages’! I had been given a themed room – as had the other managers – and mine had a camel and various Egyptian themed murals on the wall…it was nice. I was extra thrilled to find that the bathroom had Molton Brown goodies, little twinkly ceiling lights…and a corner bath! And it kind of goes wrong here…
There have been many bathroom related incidents as a fat girl. I fell through the floor of my Mums bathroom and got my leg trapped…it was dangling down through the kitchen ceiling! I also slipped in her shower and fell out of the bath…pulling the blinds and the shower curtain rail down in the process. But these kind of pale into insignificance compared to my pampering morning at ‘The Pudding Club’.
Having not attempted getting into a normal shaped bath for a long while, I was longing for a nice soak. I have a real ‘thing’ for Lush products and cannot wait to enjoy a soak in our bath at home – which I have never been able to use. Anyway, the corner bath looked okay. When I had first checked in, I had climbed into it, fully clothed, and gently knelt down and tried it for size. And I fitted okay…so the Molton Brown goodies were having it as far as I was concerned!
I set the alarm extra early and watched the bath fill up with bubbles. I stripped off – burning my bum on the hot towel rail in the process – and climbed in. And some of the water quickly climbed out! Argh! Feck it, I was in – and I wasn’t getting out quickly. It was lovely to be in a hot and bubbly bath, so I enjoyed it. But then I tried to get out and I wasn’t stuck as such, but the heat had made my legs not work properly and I was buggered. So I kind of had to roll onto my front…and more water escaped…and then I had created a dam with my bulk and so when I moved the whole lot surged forward and nearly drowned me…and also shot over the edge of the bath! I then got on all fours – oh, what a vision – and managed to get out. I then slipped on the wet floor and kind of got wedged between the bath and the wall…so had to use the wet floor to slide out of the bathroom door – which I had thankfully left open – and onto the carpet, dragging bubbles with me. It was then a case of staying there for a while – half laughing and half crying – whilst I composed myself. And then I realised what the time was and so had to mop up the floor very bloody quickly, having to leave the bathroom in not the best of states! My sincerest apologies ‘Pudding Club’…I promise that I won’t attempt a bath again.
The silver lining was the gorgeous breakfast! And in fact the place was wonderful. The food was delicious, the puddings were obviously epic. The drinks were amazing and the owners were lovely. I would highly recommend a visit there…and if you happen to stay in that room then have a giggle when you look at the bath!
Now that my not ‘poor me but kind of poor me’ reminiscing is over for the day, let’s take a look at the usuals…
I had a little catch up with my Mum this morning, which was nice – she popped in for a cup of peppermint tea after the horses! My other half had been to Asda and managed to buy a couple of yellow sticker packs of lamb and beef…so I am planning a lovely Moroccan lamb dish tomorrow. Once lunch had been eaten I headed off to babysit – with some fruit and a HiFi bar for the kids as well as myself. We had a drawing competition, filled in some sticker books, did some reading and dancing, had lunch and dinner, and then it was bedtime! I really love looking after them, but feel very tired now – it is so much more than I have been able to do before, so I love it for that reason too, but I think my mind is more willing than my body at the moment. Once ‘mummy’ was home, I headed off to spend a relaxing night with my other half…and to enjoy dinner.
Breakfast: Porridge with two scan bran and almond milk (HEB + 3 syns).
My food was good today – nothing special for brekkie or lunch, but I managed to get the milk in order to have my scan bran porridge again. I took a snack with me whilst I was babysitting, but the orange had all dried out and was no good! I felt a but faint just after 6.30pm so raided the fridge and found some salad…and rustled up a little sandwich for 7 syns. Dinner was lovely, and perfect for a post-babysitting wind down!
Exercise: Another active day with the children…nothing planned, but just a lot more than usual.
I hope HumpDay treated you well,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx