I warn you…this is not a politically correct – or any version of correct – blog post tonight…so if you’re easily offended then tune back in tomorrow!
Eating pasties in a gym car park is liking watching a porno in a school staff room…you just SHOULDN’T do it!
These were the words uttered by Mr WLB yesterday after he admitted his sneaky addition to his car park picnic. I had been my usual saintly self and had eaten a bean salad with Quorn deli chicken before heading in for my workout. He stayed in the car as he ‘wasn’t feeling it’…I left him with what was already a bit of a dicey lunch for a man on a health-kick…a giant bag of Kettle Crisps and a multipack of KitKat Chunky bars.
We were at home a little later and I was talking about something called ‘umami’ which is considered to be one of the five basic food tastes and creates a sensation of a mouth coating – that’s not really the important bit though! He then happened to mention that I would have loved the umami of the pasties he ate in the car…before remembering that I had no idea that he’d eaten pasties, and wishing that he could swallow his words quicker than he ate the feckers!
After his poor attempt at backtracking, he then told me how guilty he felt…sitting in the car and scoffing pasties – three of them! – whilst thinking of me in the gym literally working my ass off! It was then that he uttered the words, “I guess eating pasties in a gym car park is liking watching a porno in a school staff room…you just SHOULDN’T do it!” I couldn’t stop laughing at the inappropriateness of him and his pasty related thoughts!
I had my very own inappropriate moment today. I was driving back home after spending a lovely afternoon with my Mum at the horses. Yes – it’s a driving related offence! There was a chap in a Volvo who was driving like a tool. He cut me up, then braked hard for no reason, then cut someone else up, then sped towards the lights and had to squeal to a stop as the lights changed, then he shot off quicker than necessary, only to have to slam his brakes on for the speed camera that he thought was there…but that are inactive in our neck of the woods! He then cut me up again, before heading across into the other lane again for no apparent reason.
I gave him a wide birth until we pulled up at the lights. He had irritated me quite a lot by this point in time, and I am ashamed to admit that the following words came out of my mouth…”Your driving style is an indication of premature ejaculation you fecking c*nt!”
Now, I have no idea where these words came from…and actually, I am not ashamed about them…he drove a little more steadily after that – maybe to prove that there was an element of control.
Please do not think that I am mocking premature ejaculators…I have no firsthand experience of this – given that I am no Kylie I have never experienced a man reaching his climax way before time. And I am aware that it is a medical condition that carries a lot of stigma with it…but my words weren’t intentional…I have never paid much heed to the issue of premature ejaculation.
I suppose at this point that I should reassure Mr WLB – he might think that this is in my mind based on his performance. I can clarify that this is not the case – definitely not the case. In fact I once caught him looking at his watch mid-coitus and, when asked, he explained that he was ensuring that I was satisfied with the length of the performance! I probably shouldn’t have referred to length there either should I…he is more than adequate in that department too – a skilled and well-endowed chap!
This is the point at which I realise that I am digging a big hole – NO! Stop talking about big holes – and should just stop altogether as my family…and my future mother in law, read this blog!
So what to talk about now…how do you follow pasties and premature ejaculation?
There was a lady at my Pilates class this morning that I took an instant dislike to. It’s not often that I do this. She walked in and spotted someone she knew – who happened to be a man – and she said, ‘What are doing at a Pilates class you big puff?!’ I somehow managed to resist pointing out that the founder of Pilates was called ‘Joseph’…I just decided instead that I didn’t really like her as I don’t like comments like that.
She then went on to park herself next to me. For a fat lass I am pretty bloody flexible. We were working on some scissor movements and reaching for our toes…she reached mid-shin…I reached little toe. She didn’t seem impressed, huffed, and rolled her eyes. I have no idea why. Of course my mind then went into overdrive mode and I imagined her wondering what sort of pizzas I must eat to perform a move like that! She was probably holding in a fart which made her eyes roll and the ‘huff’ come out.
My mind had a tendency to go into overdrive though in situations like this. Situations that are probably incredibly innocent. Such as when I go through the supermarket check-outs with Mr WLB and he has his junk food and I have my healthy items…I imagine the cashier looking at his food, looking at me, and thinking, ‘Fat cow!’. It used to be the same when I ate out…if I chose a salad I would think that people would be thinking, ‘Who’s she trying to kid?’ And that if I chose a burger and chips – my preferred choice if I am being honest – that they would be thinking, ‘No wonder she’s so fecking fat!’
I have to say that I am far, far better than I used to be. I think it’s because I am happier now. When you don’t like yourself and aren’t nice to yourself – that little critical voice in your mind giving a constant negative commentary – you can’t ever imagine anyone else treating you any differently. Liking myself – no, fecking loving myself! – means that I now, most of the time, do not assume the worst…apart from today with the lady who must assume that Joseph Pilates is also a puff!
One of the things that is boosting my mood at the moment is the 100 Happy Days photos that I am taking. Today’s picture was rather poignant…
It is a stomach-selfie! A picture of me with a fair bit of room around the steering wheel. At my biggest the steering wheel was embedded in my stomach and thighs. I could hardly turn the wheel and I am not proud to admit that I probably shouldn’t have been driving…but couldn’t bear to lose the last of my independence given that Mr WLB had to help me with every aspect of my care.
You – or I – sometimes forget quite how bad life was. That point at which you decide to lose weight…that ‘thing’ that drove you to making the decision to change your life. That inner-fire which motivated you way back then. You get used to life as is. I am used to my life now – healthy eating, going to the gym, helping others change their life, being able to work with my horses, play with my niece and nephew, eat out, go to the theatre…a far cry from sitting in my chair and falling asleep mid-conversation, or going to bed petrified that I wouldn’t wake up, or having to ask Mr WLB to help me wash or get dressed, or watching other people looking after my horses.
I think we sometimes need that reminder. I never want to go back…this is what spurs me on. These written reminders of what my life was like is what keeps me grounded and focussed.
So feck the thigh-gap craze…I want to see a stomach-steering wheel-gap selfie craze take off!
On that note, I am going to wrap it up for this evening. It has been a lovely day. It began with a great Pilates class – apart from puff lady – that stretched my PT weary muscles nicely and relaxed me for the day. We then popped to the shops and I took Mr WLB home and grabbed lunch before heading to collect my Mum for an afternoon at the stables. My Welshie was a bit unsettled when I left…he was either wondering where his treats were, or where his mare had gone! He was fine though. I can’t wait to get them all back to my usual yard for a pampering session. Which was exactly what my Mums mare was treated to. She was brushed and plaited to keep her lovely long mane and tail in check, she was fed, she was watered, she was given hay…she was caught and released a few times too…she has gone feral over the winter I think! We spent a good three hours or so up there with her and it was lovely to spend some time with my wonderful Mum. I am looking forward to lots of horsey stuff this summer…and maybe getting back in the saddle at some point this year! I then popped to see my old lady down the road for a chit chat, and then called in to see my niece and nephew. Then it was home to cook dinner…and hopefully chill out soon.
Breakfast: Banana porridge (5 syns).
A gorgeous food day. My usual brekkie for a bit of decent fuel in the tank. Lunch was lovely too – grilled veggies with sardines, red onion, and cherry tomato stuffed pittas. Dinner was good! I put some Worcester sauce, mustard powder, black pepper, and chilli flakes in a bowl and mixed in extra lean minced beef. Then I made burger shapes and placed my Babybels on them and kind of wrapped the beef around it. They were baked, with chunks of butternut squash and celeriac, and then served with salad…delicious. My snacks were good too today.
Exercise: 60 minutes of Pilates…and an afternoon of horsey stuff!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx