Before you weather enthusiasts get all excited, let me quickly set you straight – this is not a post about the weather…more about my internal climate…or trumpet trooosers! And if you are easily offended, or do not at all like childish and idiotic behaviour at times…then check in tomorrow when normal service will be resumed!
I do wish that farting was socially acceptable. I have a little giggle when my niece or nephew drop one as they find so much joy in the simple squeak of a pump, as they call them. But if my nephew catches me smiling he then stands there blowing raspberries, for what feels like hours, whilst giggling and saying the word ‘pump’ over and over again! They feel no shame about letting the wind blow – they even lift a cheek when they do it – and they laugh at the joyous sound and rather noxious smells that their bodies produce. Given that they are only four and two, you can’t expect them do much else really…although I am sure it won’t be long before an awareness of social niceties stem their bottom creativity!
Now I know that I am not alone in experiencing this nasty side-effect that healthy eating seems to produce. There are even Google results for ‘Slimming World farts’…so it looks as if many have searched this term long before I did!
My other half has the most awful habit of making musical sounds…he will begin his flatulent flute flair, stopping and starting his tune, and finishes his farting with a flourish. I get so angry about it and I cannot explain why! I guess you could class me as a ‘functional farter’ – as with most things, I like to attack with gusto and get it over and done with…I haven’t got time for musical overtures! He thinks that it is weird that I have never tried to play a tune with my bottom burps, yet I wonder why he would even think of it! Growing up, I did fall for a few “pull my finger” gags…so I guess I have never got over those traumatic experiences. Farting is a function, pure and simple and I like to just deal with it and move on – with no embarrassment and the occasional giggle! In fact, one night I actually trumped so loudly that it woke me up and the follow-up trump had me lying there in stitches of laughter…my other half woke up as my laughing was shaking the bed so much. Perhaps I enjoy them a little more than I let on.
There is no escaping wind when you have a fibre filled diet – fruit and veggies all produce gaseous waste when they are broken down in the gut, as do most foods really. Some artificial sweeteners prompt us to pump, and fizzy drinks will make you fart too! I am less concerned about farting than most though, so I won’t dwell on the why – just accept that nature is wonderful and that our bodies know how to get rid of waste products in the best possible way.
My medication – Metformin – also contributes to a gassy stomach and it comes out from one end or the other…so much so that my other half now calls me ‘Princess Fiona’ – yes, after the wife of Shrek! – due to my uncouth habits. If you do suffer greatly though, speak to your Doc about it – my friend suffered awfully and was diagnosed with Coeliac disease and is now pretty much sorted – so there could be more to it. Although it is normal to let it go more often than you think…anywhere between fifteen and twenty-five times a day is considered normal…but just don’t mention it to my other half as he will take that as a green-light to continue!
Anyway, the child in me is well and truly out in force today and I actually found a ‘Fart Dictionary’ courtesy of ‘Silly Jokes’ and though that I would share a few titbits with you…please bear in mind that these will not be appealing…but also bear in mind that I have moderated and removed the worst to protect your sensitivities!
air biscuit n as in “Who launched an air biscuit”
air buffet n Like an air biscuit, but hangs around a long time and may be revisited many times.
air tulip n the kind of fart done by the Queen or Penelope Keith
assasination n dropping a silent one in a crowded room and getting someone else to take the blame thus killing their street cred.
Balloon fart n you know when you blow up a balloon and then pull the neck out so the air escapes with a long squealing shriek Some people can do this with their bum!!
Ball tearer n more ferocious than the nut knocker q.v.
Barking Spider n The instrument through which the fart issues
Barn burner n farmyard favorite, synominous with cow sheds
beefer n a long juicy fart with plenty of side orders
bender n when you bend over the bowel is compressed and any fart lurking is instantly and noisily expelled
blupper n when you let out a fart very slowly to be able to hear every single clap that your bum makes
boa’s belch n when your colon becomes so full of gas that it takes on a life of it’s own. Often likened to a boa-constrictor with a full belly. The resulting burp is long and very satisfying
breather n feels like a big one but upon release simply exhales a small amount of air like a sigh
breezer n large and silent, makes curtains move, not to be confused with the popular Barcardi drink
Bronx Cheer n farting in a rough New York bar while singing ‘Maria’ from West Side Story
buddy n a rapid firing, bumpy fart, sounds great on a wooden chair
carpet slipper n Old ladies who let one on the sly and pretend they can’t smell a thing
carpet stainer v a fart so colourful it leaves a stain on your shag pile
cheek flapper n when your mudflaps go flappa-flappa-flappa
code blue n so pungent the victim requires emergency resuscitation
country cough n best done in the open air, preferably near a farm yard
crop dusting v silently passing gas while walking past others then quickly vacating the area leaving the others to suffer the ill consequences
cushion creeper n emitted whilst the posterior is seated on the sofa. The sound can be defined as a walrus being suffocated by a 20 year old “Easy Night” feather based pillow
cut the cheese v as in smelling as bad as a ripe camembert
dog fart v to fart in the vicinity of a dog, thus being able to blame the hapless canine
drop your guts v to smell this is to know the meaning of fear
duck tread v to have such loose control that with every step a distinct quack can be heard
Dutch Oven n to fart in bed and then push your partner under the covers to enjoy the atmosphere
duvet lifter n an early morning fart capable of raising 13 togs
eggberter n eggy, mmmm, oh so eggy!
enclosed fart n any fart released in an enclosed space, ie car or lift. Can be responsible for the sudden onset of claustraphobia in others
fahrt n German word – literally means ‘it goes’ therefore applied to Continental farts
fartknocker n someone who is very proud of their farts
fire in the hole adj. hot wind after a vindaloo
Flatus n Gas, air, in stomach, or bowel.
floorboard lifter n can actually draw nails from planks
flotch n don’t even think about doing the Daz washing powder challenge after this one
fluffy n particulary feminine fart, silent but ticklish
fog horn n, very loud fart capable of confusing oil tankers 20 miles out
frit v tight nylon knickers, plastic office chair
gas n the substance a fart is composed of, and that’s more information than you really need!
gale force wind n weatherman’s favourite, blows away wigs and lays the nation low
greaser n leaves an oily residue
guff v a relaxed release of wind, often whilst in good company
gustus interruptus n The sudden contraction of the spincter caused by the realisation that the ‘product’ may not be entirely gaseous
Hershey Squirt n a somewhat chocolatey substance which appears after executing a fart
Honker n sounds like an irrate driver who is late for work leaning on their horn
jumper n emitted by children skipping rope and women during ‘high impact’ aerobics
kachoo n, v a fart you have been holding back some time but which escapes loudly when you sneeze
karaoke fart n a sequence of farts comprising of tunes to sing a long to
knicker ripper n able to slice through silk like a hot knife through butter
laid an egg n few things in life smell as bad as a rotten egg but this is one of them
let Polly out of jail v rather talkative botty burb with plenty of character
lingerer n no, it still smells in there even after half an hour
L.O.G. v Letting One Go. Being powerless to might of the Fart
lonesome fart n One who farts freely and wishes there was someone else with them so they could at least be embarrassed
low rider v very low pitched and noticeable, may cause rumbling of the cheeks, best on leather couches.
Mariah Carey v many people think Mariah is named after the wind. In fact it is because she is like a high pitched squeal emitted from the arse capable of shattering glass
Mexican Fart n you fart, then the person next to you farts and then their neighbour farts and so on around the room, the cumulative smell of which brings tears to the eyes
mmmBop n sounds like the chorus to that Hanson song, usually occurs in rounds
monkey claw n feels like a thousand monkeys are trying to tear up your colon (though how you might know this is anybody’s guess)
nut knocker n, adv. when gaseous emmisions pass by testicles with too much force
one cheek sneak v to lift one buttock in order to ease the quiet expulsion of gas
pant ripper n the combination of corrosive gases and powerful action mean this fart is Calvin Klein’s nightmare
parp v a new manifestation of road rage, drivers release this fart when some idiot pulls out in front of them
peeling the paint off the wall v a fart so bad it bruises your bum cheeks and fills the air with a flagilant odor, causing the paint to exit the drywall
peter v released during a good laugh, often accomapnied by a bit of pee
piffle n, small, feminine and baffled by the gusset
pip v tiny, almost imperceptable, fart
pipe rotter v lesser known reason for many diseases of the bowel
pop off n derived from the Russian, popov, for small inconspicuous fart
pump n adult posh name for small squeaky fart
pyroclastic flow v The fart typically moves at speeds of over 60 miles per hour (100 km/hr) and reaches temperatures of over 800 Degrees Farenheit (400 degrees celsius).
quiffer n done in the bathtub, accompanied by a blast of bubbles
racing stripes n tracks left in the underwear of one who ‘follows-through’. Often described as the Turin Shroud of Farts
Rapid Fire n repeat action, high velocity, as used by the Royal Marines
rhino stopper v A fart so pungent it can stop a charging Rhino. A very rare fart, in fact there have only been two independantly witnessed ‘Rhino Stoppers’ in recorded history
Rolling Dutch Oven n winding up the windows in the car to allow the passenger no respite from your noxious fumes, see Dutch Oven qv
rose n your own fart is a rose by any other name
room clearer n self explanitory
Rooter n medium fart, occaisionally overheard in quiet libraries
salsa n when your ass cheeks flap at a very high rate like you’re livin’ the vida loca…..extremely dangerous
S.B.D. n Silent But Deadly, There’s something in the Geneva Convention about this one.
scooter v Someone who just dashes past whilst farting and leaving a horrendous smell
Seismic n when someone sharing the same piece of furniture exclaims,”Hey! I felt that!”
shot a bunny euph. a fart sedately dropped by an upper class lady
silent but violent n a fart stealthy in volume yet supremely pungent in odour, cinema goers curse
skunk n emits a fine and noxious spray with a sssssssssss
sleeping fart n when you wake up coughing and fart at the same time.
soup cooler n To fart with ones bumcheeks slightly parted. The net effect is a silent breeze suitable for blowing over a bowl of hot soup
sneezenfart v see kachoo
Snickers blast n a huge, tremendous blast so deadly it can rip a hole through the fartee’s pants (sometimes occurs with brown chunks)
spoofy n a fart in comic imitation of someone
sputter v A rapid “putt putt putt” from the rear
squeek n so much more than just the sound a mouse makes, this little beauty is likely to clear your house of vermin
stainer n capable of writing your initials in polycotton
stinger n combines a sound and scent with a strange sensation
tear jerker n, literally brings tears to the eyes.
thrifty n one who always has farts in store
Tommy Squeaker n long whining sound, always gets a laugh when friends stay over, but usually hums like roadkill
tootrun n three or more consecutive farts released whilst jogging
trouser cough n often covered with a pretend mouth cough (rumoured to be the Queen’s favourite ruse)
trouser trumpet n often covered with a brass band (rumoured to be Alan Titchmarsh’s favourite ruse)
trump n a jolly, social fart, used on Bridge evenings
turtle head n the uncomfortable feeling that something more than gas might pop out when you next fart
water fart n leaves you with that uncomfortable hot feeling that you might have peed your pants
wet one n leaves your bottom suspiciously moist
whopper n very large fart which whops you round the head
window rattler n gusty
Worthington Wallop v happens after ten pints and ten hours later you fart and the wife wallops you
zipper n, when you have just gotten into your sleeping bag and zipped it right up in order to fart and let it leak out slowly, good for sleepovers
zump n short, sharp and squeaky
Right then – now that the childish behaviour is over, let me mention the usuals…
I woke up to find my other half shooing the dog out of the bed…she had crept in at some point in the night without us noticing! I am just hoping that this doesn’t become a regular thing – I don’t mind her sleeping in the bedroom, but not really in the bed as it will get cramped! Mum was supposed to text me when she woke up this morning to let me know when she was picking us up for the horses…so imagine my surprise when I saw her little car flash past my window as I was sitting enjoying a leisurely breakfast in my PJs! As she tooted her horn I was madly trying to clear away plates and pull a t-shirt on…I ended up going out in bright pink PJ bottoms, which was fine on the way out, as the street was deserted…not so good when arriving home to find a mobile mechanic working on a neighbours car with a crowd of helpers. So it was a sharp exit – or that was what I had in mind, but my doorkey had other ideas and didn’t want to play ball. So my pink PJ / fluffy socks / yellow Crocs combo were on full view – oh well, I wasn’t hurting anyone and if they didn’t like, they could always stick their noses back in under the bonnet! Anyway, whilst at the horses I noticed that my little man – the Shetland – didn’t seem quite right and was walking very slightly differently…so we checked him over and his hoof was a little hotter than normal. This can be a sign of laminitis – a very painful hoof condition that can lead to euthanasia if not caught and dealt with and managed. He is prone to this, so I always keep an eye on his weight and his diet – important factors – but the little monster had escaped from his stable last night and was helping himself to the new young shoots of the rich grass coming through…he sneaks under the fencing in the field to get to it! We would normally muzzle him when we put him out – don’t worry, it just restricts grazing rather than stops it altogether – but as he had let himself out, it was too late. So he is now convalescing in the stables to keep him off the grass which can be a trigger. He is fine though…it happens every few years and we just deal with it ourselves…and he enjoyed his pampering session and the attention we gave him this morning! We then popped to Asda for the supplies for today and then headed home for the afternoon…with happy thoughts of getting Freddie back this week. If the garage don’t come up with the goods, then they will feel my wrath!
Breakfast: Two slices wholemeal bread (HEB + 3 syns as it was big loaf bread!) with smoked salmon scrambled eggs, spinach, mushrooms and tomatoes.
Another good food day! Brekkie was a bit decadent for me, but it was a Sunday morning and I thought that it was nice to make an effort to show my consultant that I could do a different breakfast each day. It was just a pack of smoked salmon trimmings – less than £1 at Asda – mixed with egg and scrambled, and then the Superfree veggies were fried and added to the plate…delicious and filling too. Lunch was the lovely leftovers from last nights creation and was partnered with the last garlic pitta; they were lovely and a bit thicker than normal pittas, so more like a mini naan bread and worth the syns in my opinion. Dinner was a favourite – just a chicken breast topped with tomato purée, garlic, herbs and cheese – part cook the chicken breast and then add the toppings to finish off. Syn free chips were the accompaniment, along with a nice salad (see how I am using positive words to describe salad?! I will convince myself that I like it soon, and then I won’t be able to call myself a salad-dodger any longer!). We had a little set-to over the snacks today…my other half had forgotten the yogurts and the Snack a Jacks and so we had to speak nicely to my sister, who lives a couple of doors away, as she always has a well-stocked cupboard and the shops had closed at this point! So I ended up with a nice yogurt and some Velvet Crunch…rather tasty!
Exercise: Grooming the wooly mammoth, sorry – Shetland pony – who absolutely adored his brush…his little face was twitching with delight as I had found a good scratchy spot! My leg still keeps playing up…I am thinking more of a trapped nerve – but would this not be constant pain rather than the intermittent grief I am getting? And it just so happens that this grief starts as I am planning on a walk or some form of shifting my arse…maybe it’s all in my head – but I know that’s a silly thought as I literally cry out in pain!
Anyway – that’s it for today folks – I hope that you have enjoyed your weekend, and that this week ahead is kind to you all,
Lots of love and squidgy hugs!
Weight Loss Bitch xxx