…well, a first in the past two years anyway.
Today I have been eating off-plan…no sign of Slimming World friendly food anywhere really.
Now first of all let me assure you that I am okay – I really am okay. Now let me reassure you that I have not lost my mind…despite what this blog post may lead you to think! 😉
The past few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I have been putting in mammoth amounts of effort and getting very little reward on the scales. And whilst it’s not all about the scales – it’s also about how I feel – I have been finding it incredibly tough to see those numbers barely budging…and I have been questioning everything.
The one thing that I haven’t questioned is how amazing it feels to be 21st lighter. Life at 43st 5.5lbs was tough…losing weight is tough…but I know for sure which tough I prefer! 🙂
I have remained on track for over two years now. I have not had a birthday off plan, nor a Christmas off plan, no New Years Eve celebrations, no Easter celebrations, no ‘treat’ days or ‘cheat’ days. I have remained on track during meals out, during other people’s birthday celebrations, at family meals and barbeques, I have had food wafted under my nose by children and adults alike and have resisted…I think you get the picture!
So I am still very much on the wagon and am going to remain fully committed to reaching my target and helping others do the same. But I have still been questioning things!
This questioning has led me to realise that I do feel slightly hypocritical at times. Let me explain! When I coach people, we often discuss how to get back on track…how to enjoy family meals…how to enjoy life and make better choices without throwing the towel in. So how can I support people through this when I myself have a fear of coming off track due to my previous issues…and refuse to go off track?!
I had convinced myself that I absolutely could not eat any off-plan food. I believed that it would send me spiralling out of control. Mr WLB would often tell me to loosen up…but loosening up got me to 43st+…so for me, it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. Until now!
The past few weeks have seen me fight cravings. Heck, the past two years have seen me fight cravings! I do a good job of dealing with them. If I want a pizza then I will make some using pitta breads. If I want a kebab then I will make a Slimming World friendly kebab. If I want a curry then I will make a curry. The same goes for Chinese, Italian, Mexican. If I want something sweet then I rustle something up. I can fight the cravings well on Slimming World…I like the flexibility that the plan offers me. If it didn’t work for me then I would probably be dead by now. I have also learnt to differentiate between food and emotional needs and have plans in place for the latter.
Mr WLB and I have spent a bit of time discussing addiction and behaviours and breaking habits recently. He has given up smoking and is fighting his anxiety at the moment. I am continuing to make progress with my behaviours…but we both felt that this issue of me being ‘all or nothing’ was something that I needed to address.
My concern was, and still is, that if I start to believe that I can eat off plan then how often will this creep in. I am pretty bloody dedicated. I absolutely never want to go back to where I started. I couldn’t bear that. But I do like to challenge myself and I do like to explore and understand my behaviour.
Given that my weight has been buggering around despite my best efforts recently, I felt that now might be the best time to test myself rather than when I was on a roll…as I am not too fussed what my experiment might do when it comes to next weeks weigh in.
I did write earlier on Facebook that this is a difficult one to explain! 😉
I am sure that you might be wondering why on earth I chose to go off plan today. I would imagine you might be thinking that I am a little crazy to even think about doing what I have done today. But there is method in my madness. I wanted to choose to do it. Rather than let a craving take over, I wanted to choose a time to try these foods when I was feeling in control. I am really pleased with progress – although slightly frustrated with recent months – but I cannot deny how thrilled I am to be where I am now in comparison to where I was. Does any of this make sense?! 🙂
So today I decided to try a little experiment when I was in a good place.
I wanted to go and select foods myself rather than sending Mr WLB into the shop. I wanted to choose all of the things that I liked the look of…and to see what I ignored and resisted. I wanted to do this without the emotion involved in my old eating patterns. I guess the farm shop I went into yesterday prompted it slightly…I saw foods in there that I would loved to have sampled. So I didn’t go ‘there’ yesterday…as that would have been quite reactive of me – I decided to stop, give it some thought last night, see how I felt, and then react.
This morning was good. I got a good night of sleep and woke up in a great mood. I was still thinking ‘do I, don’t I?’ when a friend I used to work with called. We had a great chat and it was so lovely to catch up with her. So I was in a great place. I explained to Mr WLB that I would be more than happy to rustle up my usual breakfast…which meant that I wasn’t desperate to eat off plan if that makes sense?
I keep asking if things make sense…I am guessing that they don’t as I too am struggling to understand why I am doing the very thing that got me so fat in the first place!
Anyway – I decided to go for it.
First up I needed to take my tablets and have to eat with them. So I grabbed a flapjack on the way out. I could have chosen a banana – but a banana versus a coconut flapjack?! I did a rather stupid thing though, and reassured myself that if I wanted to change my mind and stay on plan, that I had ‘only’ eaten 12 syns! 😉
One of my ‘go to’ foods when I was at my biggest was a breakfast batch from a local butchers. I often used to have two of them! It would have been rude of me not to see how I felt about them now…so off I went. When we asked for a ‘belly buster on wholemeal’ they laughed…apparently nobody has ever asked for wholemeal bread! So I took the white bread and tucked in. The first thing I noticed was how salty it all tasted. I eat bacon, but I tend to choose very lean bacon from Weight Watchers…the ready-trimmed round bits, and only have it once a week, if that. I did not get the same buzz from eating it that I used to. It was a bit ‘meh’ in a way. I would have preferred it on wholemeal bread…and I could have made a nicer version myself on plan. Plus, there was too much bread. So my ‘belly buster’ trial was a success in a way…I don’t think I will get cravings for them again – choosing to have it on a day when I wasn’t craving it made me look at it in a different way.
Next up was a coronation chicken sandwich from Marks and Spencer. It looked nice…it tasted far too sweet and sickly and the bread was ‘claggy’…which isn’t a word I don’t think…but it made my mouth feel all stuck together. It made me crave fruit and vegetables actually. I couldn’t believe that bit! Here I was, giving myself free rein to eat what I wanted…and I ended up buying a veggie juice! I had looked at the salads on offer. I fancied a superfood salad with quinoa and all sorts of healthy-looking things…but opted for the bread as it was the opposite of what I would naturally choose now…which again probably makes no sense at all. 😉
My trip to Marks and Spencer and the farm shop was interesting. The old me would have chosen a pudding, crisps, chocolate bar, a main meal, cheese, pork pie, and macaroons. I used to have a weird thing with hot dinners…even if I was stuffed, I used to have to have a hot meal or else it didn’t feel like a proper day
Anyway – lots of off plan food has been consumed. It all looked delicious and I had fun choosing it. It was interesting to see changes in shopping behaviour. It was even more interesting to feel the changes as I was eating. I used to adore almond croissants for example…but today when I ate one I was not really impressed.
I enjoyed my peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwiches…yes, more bread albeit it toasted for dinner. I am actually bloody sick of bread. I haven’t had ‘proper’ bread for ages. As it stands, I have not eaten a fair few bits that I selected. I think my old adopted lady down the road might end up getting some goodies from us!
It has been a success though of sorts. I knew that eating healthily and within the realms of the Slimming World plan was how I wanted to eat for the rest of my life. I had convinced myself of this…if I want to lose the weight and keep it off, then what choice do I have? Actually though, giving myself the option today of eating other foods has proved this to me. I didn’t enjoy it enough to deal with the associated weight gain of eating how I used to. Now I appreciate that my choices are far more than you might choose…and that I could enjoy the odd treat off plan…but for me, the feeling of staying on track far outweighs the taste of anything I ate today.
So it’s been a weird experiment and one that I don’t expect you to understand…as I am still processing it myself. I am all good though – feeling very good – I think the fact that I am excitedly planning a Slimming World lunch around my stable cleaning day tomorrow speaks volumes though! 😉
Also, I have a family birthday party to attend on Sunday and have just had the loveliest text message from my cousin. She wanted to let me know that she was making a low syn chilli and jacket potatoes for the adults and wrote, ‘…there will be lots of Slimming World friendly stuff. Don’t want you to worry about your diet. Xx’. How bloody lovely is that? I love and adore my family…and I am already looking forward to Sunday lunch! 😉
I couldn’t leave without a montage of the food that Mr WLB and I chose today…
My Dad has told me off…he worries that it will send me spiralling out of control. My Mum didn’t have much to say…but she didn’t tell me off as she knows this makes me rebel even more. I had to chuckle though…my Dad was telling me off as I was waiting for my veggies to be juiced…the old me would have been waiting for a Slush Puppy! 😉 I have been exchanging texts with my consultant about it this evening too…she understands why I wanted to test myself and is pleased that I am looking forward to getting back on track tomorrow. Goodness knows what everyone else will think…but I do wonder of those people, A – who would be brave enough to write about an off-plan day and stick pictures up for all to see, and B – who of the people tutting at my behaviour have not deviated for the past two years! 😉
Anyway, that’s it from me for today. I feel stuffed, a little queasy, and want to try and find the latest series of 24 to watch tonight.
Exercise: Nothing but my mouth and purse has been exercised today…my brain has done a lot of thinking though!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx
If you fancy offering a little support for my 100km night ride challenge, then give the posh button below a click! 🙂