Mr WLB made me laugh today. We had to pay a visit to his very own version of the Ann Summers store…
…the Trek bike shop, where he was drooling over a carbon Domane. He laughed when I told him that the next shop on the list was Ann Summers so that I could pick up a little carbon number of my own! 😉
We were picking up a cycle top for his sportive next weekend. We then decided to have a mooch around the Cotswold Outdoor store. It’s a rather lovely place which stocks some fab outdoor gear…none of it would fit me though, so I got a bit bored far too quickly and started moaning. Mr WLB just wanted us to look around a shop together…my argument is that we could pick up better deals at somewhere like Go Outdoors or Sports Direct…which means he could spend more on the cycling stuff.
I did try on a nice Rab gillet…in XXL…which fitted at the top but not around my stomach. Plus, it was a ‘mans’ one…so frustrating that they think only women of sizes 16 and below might want clothing edged in pink and purple or might actually want to appear outdoors! 😉
Which brings me onto my point for the day…being seen outdoors.
There was a point in time when I stayed at home, visited my sister (five doors down the road!), and visited my horses…that was it. No shops, no family, no friends, no gym, no university…nothing other than my own little comfortable bubble.
One of the main worries that I had in going out surrounded embarrassment. There were physical issues too – I couldn’t really stand up for more than a few seconds. I would be in immense pain. I would sweat and go all purple-faced. My legs would begin to give way. Then there were worries about fitting through gaps, or finding a chair that would hold my weight and be comfortable. Then there were concerns about what people might say…it was an embarrassment for me. So I hid away.
Most of the time, it was not my embarrassment that I was concerned about though really – or it’s certainly not anymore.
I worry that if someone says something it will embarrass the people that I am with, or that people will look at my rather handsome boyfriend and wonder what on earth he is doing with me. If I was on my own, I would bite back and say something…but when I am with other people I don’t want them to feel obliged to get involved. So it is a bit of a mental battle at times – I want to go out, but I don’t want the feelings of worry at what might happen.
But I guess that last bit is the key…what MIGHT happen. More often than not, nothing happens! People are going about their business and have no desire to ruin someone else’s day. Yet there are a few jackasses that feel that it is their business to let me know that I am fat. Really? Am I really?! It is not as if I have to carry this bulk around with me 24/7…struggling to find clothes that fit, struggling to find suitable chairs to sit on, struggling to find an escape route through a busy pub without knocking drinks into people’s laps when my more than ample buttocks bounce off them as I walk past. So ‘thank you’ to all of the dicks out there who have made it their business to warn me of my immense size…I honestly had no idea and owe you a debt of gratitude for opening my eyes to my situation! 😉
There is also a little concern that the people I am with might be embarrassed to be seen with me – part of me feels that they should feel lucky to have my company (clearly I am being a little sarcastic here!), yet part of me does worry. I guess if people were embarrassed then they wouldn’t associate with me anyway…and I shouldn’t associate with them either. Hey ho, our minds are strange things though and paranoia gets to the best of us at times.
Putting embarrassment aside, there is also fear! Fear of what I may be asked to do. I remember going away last year for the weekend with my niece and nephew. I hadn’t stayed away from home like for a long while. Anyway, she – my niece – bounded into my room – clutching a leaflet for local attractions…cable cars…fecking cable cars! Luckily, I managed to distract her suitably – I saved that challenge for Aonach Mor when I was in Scotland last year!
I think embarrassment and fear are responsible for me doing so much now…the gym, Pilates, yoga, soon be trying Tai Chi, my university course, my new job, swimming, going to the retreat, garden parties, socialising more often…and now this bike ride…100km around London at night. Bollocks to people who have an issue with my size…to be honest, these people would manage to find something not to like me for anyway regardless of my size.
So I guess my point tonight is just to get out there and have fun! 🙂
I was watching those ice bucket video clips on Facebook today and laughing…everyone else is freezing their bits off…whereas mine are on fire after this bike ride training. So if you fancy bunging some dosh my way in order to help douse the flames, then click the link! 😉 x
Other than my shopping trip – which didn’t include Ann Summers by the way! – we had a nice sleep, we saw the horses, went food shopping, I did some cooking, I also saw my niece and nephew today…and am looking through my recipe books tonight planning some winter recipes.
Today’s food looked like this…
Lunch: Cooked brekkie – bacon, veggie sausage, spinach, tomatoes, eggs, pittas (2 x HEB) and stuffed mushrooms (2 x HEB).
Dinner: Chicken and veggie soup – chicken, garlic, stock, onion, kale, carrots, and swede.
Snacks: Nakd bars (12 syns), raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, 0% Total Greek yogurt.
Exercise: Not a lot today!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx
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