As it says really…I’ve been a stupid twat! 🙂
Now this is a major deal for me to admit…so go easy on the Girl Wonder please – and yes, I am using the term ‘Girl Wonder’ with a sarcastic note! 😉
I have been really struggling this past week and have decided to share this with you…rather than keeping it a secret as was my wont.
Mr WLB took this picture today…
…it’s a hill climb…a 1.5 mile hill climb of epic proportions – according to him and his tired legs. He finished his first competitive ride and I couldn’t be happier for him…but this is about me, not him!
This hill represents for me my weight loss journey. I was 43st 5.5lbs…I was dying. I had managed to lose 21st 3.5lbs. I knew that it would be an uphill struggle, but I wasn’t prepared for quite how uphill it would be. I feel that he showed me that picture at a rather appropriate moment…it stopped me in my tracks.
I had managed to lose 21st 3.5lbs – as I have mentioned on more than one occasion! 😉 I then put 8lbs back on…and probably more by the time Tuesdays weigh-in arrives. Anyway, moving on! That 8lbs was totally undeserved. As have been the many shitty piddly little weight losses over the previous few months. I managed to stay strong and focused for quite some time. I continued being a gym-demon, and incredibly strict with my eating…keeping my mind and body focussed. I continued doing this despite many mixed messages…and advice to ‘take the surgery, it’s easier’. I continued to do what I wholeheartedly believe in – healthy eating, exercise, and head work…and hard work! Until this past week that is.
My resolve wavered and I decided to ‘try’ a Chinese curry…and chips…and squid on my weigh-in night. Mr WLB had gone out, I was fed up, I was upset…I was making excuses. It was quite nice. I then felt a tad guilty for enjoying it…and had a kebab…and chips…and cheese…and garlic mayo…and pancakes…and a smoothie. Not on the same night though – I have made some improvements! 😉 My resolve felt a bit buggered.
All of the health and fitness messages that I have been exposed to recently overwhelmed me. I decided to try the juicing plan that improved Mr WLBs health so dramatically – although I had adapted it to ensure a minimal weight loss for him. So I tried to juice kale, lemons, garlic, spinach, celery, cucumbers, sweet potatoes…all sorts of lovely vegetables…for a few days…and adapted it for me…stripped back to just veggie juices with hardly any calories.
I imagined that I would feel amazing – all energetic and She-Ra-esque – surely all of those ‘live nutrients’, as some call them, would leave me feeling amazing. I imagined that I would feel great about being able to shun my need for proper food…and be all glossy and glowing like other juice people I know – and when I refer to ‘juice’ I am not talking about shitty sugar-filled stuff or pyramid-sold shite…I am talking about stuff that looks and tastes like a pond…the stuff that’s full of goodness! 😉
I also imagined stepping on the scales on Tuesday and seeing that I had shifted that 8lbs…and maybe a bit more, and would feel fecking fantastic.
I actually feel like a great big twat! 🙂
Halfway through the first day my old Staffie started looking like a viable lunch option…I could have stuck her in a seeded bagel, squeezed on some French mustard, and got to work. I was dreaming of McDonalds. I wanted to eat a BigMac meal – and I haven’t wanted to do that for fecking ages. In fact I wanted to eat two BigMac meals…it was crazy. I have found Slimming World okay – I hate to use the word ‘easy’, as changing your life-long eating habit is not fecking easy at all…but it hasn’t been excruciatingly tough. I have my alternatives…I have real food. There is something about juicing that just makes me want to eat like a maniac.
So I ate.
I lasted about 13 hours on my 7 day plan. Actually, when I started, I was planning on doing 14 days – how is that for fecking delusional?! I ate the Chinese. I felt like shit afterwards – both physically and mentally…yet I enjoyed it. This freaked me out. I was worried that my binge-eating habits would return with a vengeance.
So I decided to try juicing again…to rid me of my demons and binge-related thoughts.
What a twat!
Following Slimming World and getting fit and healthy is what my journey is about…and I was doing a grand job. Why did I want to mess with a good thing? I did it because, like you, I am desperate to live a healthy life in a healthy body…I want to shift this fecking weight.
I woke up with renewed energy and a weird belief in juicing and decided to give it another go. I wanted to ‘cleanse’ myself and ‘detox’ – despite being the proud owner of kidneys and a liver that kind of do this job for me! 😉 I had lasted 13 hours…this was just an initial practice run I told myself.
So round two began. I could do it. I am strong. I have seen people juice for months and lose shit loads of weight…if they could do it, so could I. I am always up for a challenge. Look at the bike ride I am planning…despite having not been on a bike since I was 12! I could do it!
This time, I lasted about 50 hours.
I woke up on day three and fell over. I very almost went head first down my stairs but managed to somehow fall sideways and get wedged at the top of the stairs. My head was pounding – which some juicers attribute to caffeine withdrawals – but as I don’t touch tea, coffee, or fizzy drinks…just council pop (water!)…some say it is toxins…I say it’s bollocks. I just about managed to get downstairs today before hitting the fridge and making a chicken and hummus roll…two actually.
In the words of a wise man, “Screw this shit.” I tried juicing and fecking failed miserably…twice. It’s time for me to stop being a twat. I prefer the word ‘cunt’ but I know that this offends! 😉
It’s time for me to stop shunning what I know and truly believe works. Healthy eating, exercise, head work…and a bit of moderation, compassion, and giving myself a break.
It’s time to get back on the Slimming World wagon…at the cleaner end.
The headache disappeared within minutes of eating real proper tasty food. I went back to bed and slept well…I slept so well in fact that I missed Pilates!
I got up, took the old lady down the road out to celebrate her birthday. And I ate even more food – I had a three course lunch and enjoyed every mouthful. I think I have well and truly fucked – oops, fecked – up any juice related loss with the scallop and black pudding starter, pulled pork topped burger and fries, and treacle tart with custard. We had a good afternoon though – and I was thrilled that my adopted old lady enjoyed her birthday.
The irony of this next statement is not lost on me…Monday…Monday is the day. I am planning like a demon tomorrow, but taking Mr WLB out for lunch and am not going to commit to staying on plan and then failing.
For me, it needs to be a case of sticking to plan…I have to get a couple of days back on plan under my belt to grab that mojo by the balls again. I had a severe eating disorder and nearly killed myself with food. I cannot, I am sad to say, be a ‘moderation’ person. For me, it has to be that I stick to the plan. Not only will I put my weight back on if I don’t, but it messes my mind up too much.
So I am going to take the advice that I give to my coaching clients – who may well want to ditch me after reading of my cock-up…actually, they are far too fecking fabulous to do that…I actually think they realise that I am human too and have a wonderful insight into how our food minds can feck us up at times. Anyway, I am going to take my advice about planning and gearing up to be on plan 100%.
For me, I am going to crack on on Monday. I AM going to group on Tuesday, despite wanting to run away and hide from the damage. I am going to treat it as if I am a Slimming World newbie. I am going to be easy…Extra Easy. I am ditching Green and Original for a couple of weeks at least. I am going to continuing fighting hard…very fecking hard…to get where I want to be. I have ditched the medication too for now.
Feck the fads!
Juicing might work for some – the decent juicing – but for me, well…I like my food.
The stupidity of last night doesn’t escape me either. I had a barbeque at my stables with my wonderful friend Caroline, my trainer, his lovely girlfriend, and his lovely brother…and Mr WLB of course. They ate some delicious food. I had a beetroot ‘detox’ juice. What a twat!
Now, I am not shunning juices for good. I actually quite liked my morning green juice. I am going to work out the syns for this and have those. I do think that juicing has it’s benefits. I just like my food too much. It’s more about what it did to my head than the fact that I almost fell down the stairs…as I am a clumsy madam and falling down the stairs is par for the course in my house…but I am not prepared to mess with my mind when I have worked so hard to get it sorted.
So there we go. That is my big confession. I apologise to you wholeheartedly for getting sucked into the trap of wanting more…and for being a dick. I apologise to my consultant…who is lovely and who puts up with me. I apologise to Mr WLB who has put up with my weight-related tears of frustration over the past few weeks. And I apologise to my poor old body for being a big twat. I am a twat no longer – I am back on the wagon…and haven’t been off it for that long, so I hold on to the fact that I am in a much better place than I was a few years ago.
I also apologise to you…in case you don’t like the word ‘twat’…as I have used it quite often during tonight’s post. But I guess if you didn’t like the word twat, you might not have reached this point…soz! 😉
That’s it from me.
Normal service will resume on Monday. If you feel like giving me a boost…click the link below and donate some dosh to my bike fund…I need to get back on that little beauty and pedal off my pudding – which isn’t a euphemism…I am referring to the treacle tart that was quite honestly delicious – but I dread to think of the syns in it! 🙂
Bear with me. I will be back with a vengeance…September, I am coming to kick your ass! And just as Mr WLB tackled his hill today, and does everyday, I am continuing to tackle mine!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx
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