It’s a wonderful thing isn’t it, hindsight?
‘How I wish that I hadn’t tried to down neat vodka’ I thought, as I was projectile vomiting it straight back up…all over the curtains in my Mum’s kitchen! ‘Shit, what did I do that for?’ I thought, having stayed over at a friends house without telling anyone where I was going…turning up at 3pm the following day, after my Dad had been to all A&E departments and had also started searching canal towpaths. A little dramatic of him perhaps, considering I was 20, but I was touched by his concern! ‘Balls, I wish I hadn’t snogged that bloke’ I thought, as he continued to watch me whilst nursing a whiskey along with a menacing look, for the third night in a row…on his own, propping up the bar and telling my friends I was MEANT to be with him! Oh well, as I’ve said before, you live and learn…albeit some of us seem to learn more slowly than others.
My other half and I were pondering the delights of being a child; not having any preconceived ideas, living life without pessimism, having dreams and being convinced of your ability to achieve them. I’m sure that I’ve already mentioned that at a very young age I decided that I wanted to be a Page 3 Girl…and that I wanted a Page 7 Fella to be by husband! Oh, if only the lure of Page 3 had kept my propensity for eating Wotsits in check…just think, I could be standing in a grotty studio somewhere with my baps out, instead of sitting in my chair thinking about bacon baps! Haha! My love of horses also saw me considering a career as a Mounted Police Officer, but this idea was soon replaced by other things as soon as I found out that I’d have to be a ‘normal’ Police Officer first…no way, not me! Lorry driving was another thought, as my Dad drove a lorry after he finished ‘Test Driving’, which was another career I fancied…driving cars to their limits and breaking them, how exciting?! How I ended up in HR and Recruitment I’ll never know!
I managed to catch up with this weeks episode of Embarrassing Fat Bodies last night, and yet again found myself getting angry whilst watching a bloody TV programme! I know that the treatment given to patients is given for free…donated by the private hospitals in order for a mention on the show. Perhaps this is why weight loss surgery is presented to these pre-screened patients as the only option. Maybe they have already tried every diet under the sun, and maybe nothing really has worked for them. BOLLOCKS! Apologies for my little outburst there, but I don’t believe that in the slightest, despite trying to console myself that this was the reason for people being ‘offered’ life threatening…ooops, sorry…life saving surgery! Nothing is a substitute for learning how to achieve a healthy body and mind without resorting to surgery. “At your size, you are unlikely to lose that amount of weight without having surgery.” Rubbish! They should say, “At your size, you need to stop eating crap, get off your arse, and lose weight – learn how to cook healthy food from scratch and find a way of doing this for the rest of your life. And find a psychologist to support you, get some likeminded friends to support you, and understand that surgery will not stop you eating crap…only YOU can do that!”
I was astounded by the chap that had lost 4st in 4 weeks after his surgery. Not because he had lost so much weight, but because the only food he was eating was mushed up pears and custard. Sugary food after weight loss surgery…what a genius…was that not the sort of shite that found him on the reinforced operating table in the first place? Even the expressionless Doctor Dawn nearly managed a shocked look!
The other guy that had me screaming inside was on the show because he had lost and regained the same 14st on a number of occasions. The advice he was given…’let’s get you a band put on your bypass’. What the hell?! He’d already had a gastric bypass and day by day his old habits were creeping back in and he was gaining weight…despite the bypass. The answer was obvious wasn’t it? Go and get some professional help to sort your head out and get to the root cause of your eating problems. But wait, no, good old Christian Jessen recommended an operation for his operation! I must live on another planet…we are going crazy for surgery that isn’t needed if support was given in other, far less costly, areas. The argument that surgery is the only option is clearly rubbish…people who have had weight loss surgery are putting the weight back on…time for a rethink perhaps?!
Anyway, I’m saving the hardcore rant about weight loss surgery for another day. Today is all about childhood dreams, wishes and reminiscing. But before I get back to this, I just wanted to think back to this time last year. I walked into my Slimming World group to rejoin for the umpteenth time. Not because I wanted to, but because I was told I had to lose weight before my surgery. I felt like I had to make an effort and, if truth be told, I didn’t want the surgery, yet had been persuaded that it was my only option. Given that I am still on the ‘pathway’ to surgery, having numerous appointments every 3 months and I have still not been put on the waiting list, where would I be today? If I hadn’t taken that first step and called my consultant, I would either be heavier than the 43st 5.5lbs I weighed, or dead. Instead, I am 9st 4.5lbs lighter and on the way to proving the doubters wrong! I bloody love it, and I can’t wait to rub Doctor Christians nose in my big wobbly pile of loose skin…weight loss surgery? No thanks! Boob job, bingo wing removal and tummy lift? Yes please!
Now that you know I fancied getting my baps out for living – before my baps had even developed – take a moment to think about some of the things the young you wanted to do when you became the old you. I remember sitting on the bus on the way to school one morning, counting the years until the Millennium. I worked out that I’d be 18 which, for a 9 year old, I thought was ancient. I thought that I’d be all grown up with permed hair, high heels and make-up and partying like it was 1999! Oh, young Weight Loss Bitch, I do wish I had a crystal ball I could have shown you! My Millennium eve was actually spent in one of the crappest pubs in town, sober, on antibiotics, trying to keep my skinny mates from copping off with unsuitable men. I ended up with drinks spilt on me, someone’s ketchup and chips in my lap, ripped off by a taxi driver, and to top it off the next few days were spent in bed as the antibiotics buggered me up!
A recent survey shows that two out of five of us have not achieved our childhood dreams but instead have found our aspirations shattered. One of my Dad’s old friends – the one branded ‘most unlikely to succeed’ – is a top brain surgeon in Canada and the US…he found this out recently through the powerhouse that is Facebook, after connecting with some of his old primary school chums. I doubt that this was the career choice they talked about after getting drenched in human excrement whilst on a camping in Wales…boys will be boys and they went searching for ‘fun’ things to do…dropping a concrete block into a well of shite probably wasn’t top of the list either! I often wonder what some of my old school friends are now up to, and I often wonder if I could have been a Page 3 model! 😉
I wanted to travel, I wanted to be able to paint, I wanted to be a ballet dancer, I wanted to be brave like George from the ‘Famous Five’, I wanted to be able to ride like Mary King…above all else I wanted to be happy. Being 43st+ was never part of the plan, neither was working in HR – who chooses that as a career path?!, neither was having debts, or facial hair, or manky feet, or wearing jogging bottoms and men’s polo shirts as I can’t fit into anything else.
But do you know what? I AM happy. Yes, really! No, of course I’m not happy with my size, or the facial hair, or my manky feet. But thanks to Slimming World (and ME!), thanks to Tweezerman, and thanks to the fact that my stomach is shrinking and I can now reach my feet, I am working on these issues and improving myself! Thanks to Thomas Cook sending me a posh travel brochure this morning, I am planning on visiting some wonderful places…
Thanks to my niece I am discovering the joys of colouring in and Crayola crayons…okay, so it might not be what I had in mind when I was dreaming of being a painter, but it’s fun colouring in dinosaur and fairy pictures! The ballet dancing is never going to happen – the young me needed to man up and face facts – I have thighs for goodness sakes…and a big Beyonce bum under all of my fat! But I have been blessed with rhythm and will tear up the dance floor again soon…or at least shake my jelly when I’m vacuuming to my favourite tunes. Writing this blog, and facing up to my demons, is helping me to become brave like Famous Five George, and as for Mary King…well, I’ll never be riding around Badminton (unless I’m taking part in a sponsored ride around the grounds!) but I will have lessons and continue to develop my horsemanship skills. And as I’ve told you I am happy, what else can I say? I have a wonderful fiancé, a fantastic Mum and wonderful Dad, a brilliant sister, an inspiring niece and a cheeky nephew and so many other lovely people – brother in law, extended family, my Slimming World support network – and of course my babies…my horses and my old-lady dog!
Well then, have you thought about what you wanted to do when you were younger? Although you may not have ticked off all your goals, or become the lead singer of that girl group you dreamt of, how about doing something about it now? Wanted to be a dancer – join a local class, wanted to be a painter – join a class, wanted to be a glamour model – join a class…no really, join an art group and offer to be a life model! Seriously, there are classes for almost anything now and you can also find some good classes online. I’ve mentioned Coursera before, but take a look if you haven’t already…loads of free courses in some weird and wonderful subjects – www.coursera.org
For those of you lucky people that did achieve your dreams – well done! But perhaps take some time out to unleash your inner child…get out the Crayola’s and colour me a horsey!
It goes without saying that the moral of this story is that it’s never too late to make a change! You don’t have to ditch your family and retrain as a surgeon, but remember those little things you wanted to do as a school kid and try them out. If you want to make a change, then do it.
And it’s on to today’s usuals…wouldn’t want to disappoint!
Last night I decided that taking my sister to work, and my niece to nursery, was giving me a kick up the bum and getting me out of bed extra early. So I decided to offer my services for the rest of the week! After the usual treadmill and BodyPump session we met up outside to head off…and it went downhill from there! A rather nice chap decided that, rather than letting me out – when I had built up speed on the slip road to join the dual carriageway and was clearly indicating and had more than enough space – it would be far better for him to speed up, get right up my arse, swerve into the outside lane, cut me up by swerving back into the inside lane, and them slamming on his brakes. Bad idea mister, bad, bad idea! He didn’t grasp the fact that Weight Loss Bitch and her equally WLB-like sister were in the car! After much gesticulating and horn beeping – oh, and me getting called a “fat bitch” again – we decided that his poor driving was A) down to his shitty car, B) down to his height…he could hardly see over the steering wheel, and C) down his small appendage! I was far more reserved than I felt like being…given that the BodyPump gives me a touch of the Lara Croft…as I was mindful that my niece was in the car. Although it was actually her that decided he “had a small winky”…out of the mouths of babes! We were quite concerned by what story she may tell to her nursery teachers and classmates though!
On that note, she truly has her uncle wrapped around her little finger! He ended up getting dragged into nursery with her for ‘reading morning’ and I ended up with an SOS text saying ‘I’m reading to 5 children’. Haha! She absolutely adores my other half and I think she has a big ‘little girl crush’ on him. I’ll have to dig out a picture that I took after he’d bought her a little bunch of flowers – we do this sometimes instead of buying sweets or chocolate – as she is gazing adoringly up at him with a lovely little smile on her face!
So after this it was off to see the horses. The youngest one, and my little sweetie, has really grown and decided to have a prance around with his tail in the air, snorting at things! He looked absolutely stunning and it reaffirmed the fact that I NEED to get this weight off as I cannot wait to get riding again.
Once we’d finished there, it was off to Asda, and then home!
Breakfast: Mint HiFi bar and a banana.
Lunch: Vegetable ratatouille and vegetable rice.
Dinner: Mexican bean bake.
Snacks: Banana and custard Muller Light, two packets of French Fries, mini bar of Green & Blacks.
Breakfast was a quick grab and go job again as I usually eat it after the treadmill and BodyPump just before leaving for the stables, so time is a factor! Lunch was just something I fancied…decided to have a Green day and didn’t really want potatoes and pasta, so thought Uncle Ben could come to the rescue – instead of Ronald McDonald of my past life! Having had a flick through a couple of Slimming World magazines, I spotted a recipe for the bean bake and thought that my other half would like it as he loves his Mexican food…and it was lovely; we will be having this again! I had an inkling that a chocolate craving was creeping in, and so decided to nip it in the bud with a mini bar of the G&B really dark stuff…a good cocoa hit like that will keep me going for a long, long time!
Exercise: Treadmill followed by BodyPump and then a double Boxercise and Double Dancercise session.
As I achieved my Bronze Body Magic award yesterday, today marked the start of my new exercise week as well as the start of my push towards the Silver award. In order to keep challenging myself, I increased the time on the treadmill by another minute, and upped the amount of weights I lifted by 1kg. This might not sound like much, but a little increase in time each week, and a little increase in weights each month, will help me to increase my fitness in a nicely controlled manner…rather than pushing too quickly and injuring all 34st+ of me!
Thank you once again for reading the ramblings of a 31 year old who wishes sometimes that she was 5 again! 😉
All my love,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx
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