Today I have been guilty of committing one of the seven deadly sins…envy! It’s something that happens quite a lot in my world.
My envy began in the bedroom after I had been for an early hours wee. I could hear my other half, and the dog, snoring away all warm and cosy…then the neighbours let their noisy fecking dog out and it started barking…then I could hear a weird noise from the train tracks…then I thought I could see the shadow of a spider on the wall…I just couldn’t sleep, yet Mr WLB and my dog were doing a fine job. I had a burning desire to make a massive noise and wake the house up. Sleep envy is a bugger, but I managed to resist disturbing them!
I then had a bout of breakfast envy. Mr WLB had a massive bowl of porridge with seeds and dried fruit and nuts thrown in and lovely milk. It would have contained enough ‘healthy extra’ allowances for a week…it looked delicious. I had buggered up and forgotten to sort my breakfast out and so grabbed some turkey and fruit to eat on the run. I then had another bout of bedroom envy as Mr WLB stayed in bed, whilst I gave him his breakfast and ran out to Pilates. I wanted to stay in bed!
Then it was the turn of Pilates envy. There is a lovely woman at Pilates. A teeny tiny petite woman who can do all of the moves. I have to admit to being a bit jealous. She is so lovely…but irritatingly petite and lovely. She is the exact opposite of me. It doesn’t matter how hard I work, I will never be like that. Partly because I am about a fecking foot taller than her! 😉 She has a thigh gap…I have a tooth gap. When she sat on her Pilates ball she was perched on it like a little tiny bird…when I sat on my Pilates ball it looked like I was trying to hatch a fecking egg – you couldn’t even see the ball under my arse as my bum cheeks kind of enveloped it! 😉
Ah well. Feck it. It’s not the first time I have had workout envy.
There were two lovely looking girls in the gym a while ago – not a spare ounce of flesh on either of them. They were doing a very sedate workout on the recumbent bikes, followed by a half-hearted session of weights. There was not a hair out of place, or a droplet of sweat to be seen! I on the other hand was sweating buckets, with flesh moving in directions that flesh should not go in, working my heart out.
As I moved to the weights section I could hear them talking about how awful their bingo wings were, and the fact that they really needed to do something about their ‘love-handles’….there wasn’t a fecking handle to be seen other than the ones belonging to the treadmills! And bingo wings – really?! Until your bingo wings are giving you a round of applause as you work your way around the gym – slapping and clapping for all they are worth – then you are lucky as far as I am concerned!
Seriously though – I know everyone has body hang-ups and that these are very personal to each individual, I am not saying that my situation is worse than anyone else’s…but if you are that bothered about them, then how about lifting something instead of fecking chatting about them?!
To put the cherry on the cake, one of them then complained about how she didn’t like the cut of girls shorts and bought boys ones instead…although she did have to buy 13 to 14 year old boy sizes as she was too tiny for mans ones. My heart bled for her…as my stomach was lying on my thighs as I was shoulder pressing for my life…and my leggings were stretched to full capacity…my size 36 extra high waisted (to keep my stomach under some sort of control) leggings.
I remember smiling whilst I was listening to them as something Jessie Pavelka said to me ran through my mind. It was something that I have often thought before, but never mentioned…something along the lines of, ‘the depth of your life experience having gone through this battle is immense’. I don’t think that this is something that anyone who hasn’t been where I have been can grasp.
Obviously, we all have our issues, and I would never assume an understanding of them – I think any serious battle adds depth to your life and wisdom and experience etc. I must admit though that when I hear some people discussing their body issues, I have a wry internal smile. This has nothing to do with a ‘my issue is bigger than yours’ mentality…it’s hard to describe what it is really…maybe it’s about context and the importance that people place on stuff that isn’t really as big of a deal as they think it is. I don’t know. I just feel sad for people who look amazing yet cannot see this…they waste so much time trying to be perfect that they stop enjoying the here and now.
Anyway, ‘each to their own’ and ‘live and let live’ to coin some cheesy phrases!
As I left Pilates I got car envy. Only because some arsehole was driving a car like a douchebag. It was the newest model of the Mercedes that I used to drive and I was a little wistful about my lovely old car. Freddie Freelander does a great job for me though and I actually thought that, of all the cars I have owned, he has served me well. Mike Mercedes and I had some fun though. I wanted to show this chap how to drive properly…and it’s not big nor clever, but I did unleash the ‘cunts’ again as I was cursing his driving! 😉
I then collected Mr WLB and took him to buy his veggie juices. Once again envy struck and I found myself watching ladies on the High Street. In the past this has got me accused of being a lesbian – not that I give a crap about that stuff…lesbianism seems an appealing option at times – but admiring the female form, as a female, is not the done thing so it seems! I was watching these ladies walking past in jeans and knee-high boots and lovely outfits…and I just wanted to be doing the same. Sitting in the car in my Pilates pants, holey black socks, and a t-shirt which kind of shows off my aforementioned bingo wings…sitting on a road that contains people who look like they belong on the set of Made in Chelsea…well, I got a bit envious and a bit maudlin.
I soon snapped out of it though.
I remember that one of my 2014 goals was going to be taking more of an interest in girly stuff. I never wear make-up. I have been told that I don’t need it…but I think that is just politeness really on the behalf of the people wondering where my mascara is! I have had the same hairstyle for years, never colour my hair, hardly ever wear nail varnish – in fact my last attempt at nail varnish resulted in me being told that my fingers looked like ‘poo-sticks’. Don’t get me wrong – I wash! I cleanse, tone and moisturise and have a fetish for Clinique products…but just not of the make-up variety. I dyed my hair once but the blonde streaks – I have natural highlights I suppose you would call them – turned pink. And whenever I wear make-up it just never seems to stay put and I feel like I resemble that awful clown off the fecking ‘Simpsons’.
I remember asking for a nudge with this goal a while ago…as I am quite happy not being interested in all of this stuff, but I just felt that I should be interested…but maybe it’s just not ‘me’?! I was once given a make over by a cosmetics counter woman. I fecking hated it. My skin felt all clogged up and it just didn’t look like me. I just want to be the best version of me…not someone else – so I don’t reckon the make-up and girly stuff is that important.
Anyway, my reality-check button is firmly switched on too. My weight loss is going okay – and my body is sagging. I know that there will be certain outfits that I won’t be able to wear and look good in. I accept this. I just can’t help getting envious pangs every now and again. Like the lady at Pilates, or the lady in skin tight jeans and knee-high boots today. But ‘shit happens’ as they say…I have led my life in the way I chose to, and so I will deal with whatever I end up looking like. Just let me have my moaning moments though…it’s part of the dealing with the emotional stuff I talk about. The old me would have headed to Burger King instead of eating healthier stuff and I would have followed it up with a bag of junk food from Asda. So as hard as it can be to accept the situation for what it is and what it will be, I have to do this!
However, I am very cognisant of the fact that all of these people I look at enviously – judging them based on appearance – could have had major issues that they have battled. Who am I to assume that the gym lovelies weren’t both a few stone overweight a year ago? Who am I to assume that the ladies I watched in the knee-high boots aren’t battling an eating disorder?
Envy is not a good look!
Don’t assume, don’t judge, don’t base your happiness on wanting what you think other people have!
I am also cognisant of the fact that these people I look at enviously could be arseholes…and although I have been accused of being an arse at times I am actually an okay person. I wouldn’t swap the personality and outlook I have on life with anyone else! 🙂
Today has been a nice day – envy aside. I actually managed some pretty nifty moves in my Pilates class today – some balancing on balls (get your minds out of the gutter!) and some hardcore stomach exercises that I think I will feel tomorrow. I was manoeuvred into a new way of balancing which made it easier…apparently I have been making life harder for myself. I love these classes! Then I headed to the shops and grabbed supplies for the stables. I picked my Mum up and we went to spend time with the horses. I decided to pamper them and it was quite hard work…a bit sweaty for me, lovely and relaxing for them. They got a decent feed and so did we…we had bacon rolls via my disposable barbeque…lush! Then I went home, grabbed a shower, and spent the evening with my wonderful friend talking about all sorts of stuff including our possible business venture…so watch this space for more info there! 😉 I did a favour for my sister and picked her up from work tonight and am now home watching episodes of Dexter…I think Mr WLB is getting concerned – I read books about psychopaths, I watch films about serials killers…he is starting to behave himself now! 😉
Today’s food looked like this…
Breakfast: Turkey and fruit.
Lunch: Bacon and cheese roll with BBQ’d peppers, asparagus, and salad.
Dinner: Chicken tikka chunks with salad.
Snacks: Greek yogurt with figs and grapes, mint Nakd bars (13 syns), and cottage cheese.
Exercise: 60 minutes Pilates and an afternoon of horse grooming…it’s hard work! 😉
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx
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