Feeling like some sort of version of Lara Croft after completing a gruelling session on the cross trainer and treadmill, I had moved onto the weights section at the local ladies only gym. Having just proven another doubter wrong, “Oh, don’t worry,” she said to her friend – as she looked me up and down – laughing, “she won’t be on it for long!” Haha, I proved you wrong didn’t I, you Lycra clad muppet…as 45 minutes later I climbed off the cross trainer having made her wait her turn!
The weights section at the gym was always my favourite. The sensation of being able to feel the different muscles in my body being worked really gave me a sense of well-being, and I guess you could say it gave me that ‘buzz’ or natural high that people who love the gym talk about. I used to leave there feeling like I could go back in and do it all over again! Not today however! Today, I walked out with my legs as firmly pressed together as I could, and my paint splattered t-shirt pulled down as far as it would go…why? Well, having happily worked my arms and shoulders on the various machines, along with my abs – yes, I do have them, they are just shy and retiring! – I moved onto the machine to work my inner and outer thigh muscles. These machines just happen to face a set of floor length mirrors and, to my horror, I decided to glance at my crotch region. Not usually a problem, but today I had worn light grey jogging bottoms…and yes, it looked like I had peed my pants! The pleasant feeling of having showed those women that a fat girl could go for longer than 10 minutes on a cross trainer, was replaced by a feeling of “Oh shit, I should’ve worn the black ones!”
Ladies, never ever, ever, wear light grey jogging bottoms if you think you may suffer from ‘workout crotch’. It’s not big, and it’s not clever – wearing light grey, not my crotch! – and it is likely to lead to a case of severe paranoia. Draping my little towel over the general region in a casual way – so the Lycra clad lovelies didn’t notice – I managed to finish my workout and got the bloody hell out of there quickly. There is no shame in a sweaty workout crotch, but there is a little shame in sharing it with your fellow gym goers!
As a clumsy individual I have had many health and fitness related mishaps. During a trip to a local beauty spot to walk the dog and get in a good walking session, I happened to slip down a muddy slope on my arse. And for good measure – and the fact that my other half couldn’t help me up for laughing – I then had to roll over in the mud in order to haul myself up off my hands and knees! It was funny but I looked awful and was soaked right through to my pants. As it was a cold day, and I didn’t want to get my car filthy, I decided to strip off next to the car and wriggle into a pair of old joggers that were in the boot of the car. The car park was deserted, or so I thought, until I heard the words “Woah, mum! Look at that lady, her pants are massive!” It was just another one of those moments I had to deal with, so I turned around with my dirty trousers and shouted “Just had an accident” before realising that they might not have been the best words to choose considering that the mud looked like diarrhoea dripping off the bottoms of my trousers! Oh well, you live and learn…or in my case, you do the living without the learning!
Many interesting Body Magic moments occurred whilst I have tried out some of the classes on offer at the gym. The only one I have in fact truly avoided was ‘spinning’…a form of torture delivered by a shouty instructor on bikes that you can hardly peddle! I avoid these classes at my size as my arse seems to share my stomachs hunger and tries to eat the bike…or at least this is what it looks like from both rear and side views as the saddle disappears between my vacuous bum cheeks! So what classes – bearing in mind when I was a gym goer my lowest weight was approximately 26st – have I managed to brave then?
Well, Bollywood Dance was an interesting one! I thought it sounded fun and as I had heard a lot of Bhangra music, and seen some Bollywood films, thought I would give it a go as I loved the beats behind the music. How wrong was I? The class was full of wonderfully beautiful Asian girls – I was the only red-faced rotund girl in there – who absolutely knew how to dance Bollywood style. Staying right at the back, trying to hide, I looked like a Ribena berry on speed, whilst they looked like graceful dancers, fully in tune with the music and the moves! It burned calories and I had fun jigging around, but I was a bit disappointed as it was the first session of a beginners group and I am sure that I was the only beginner. So much so, that the instructor got carried away with the beautiful dancers and went for it, leaving me struggling in their wake!
I also tried Dancercise, and was quite good at this – I do have bloody good rhythm – until the instructor pulled ‘the’ move. It was a 360 spin followed by instantly dropping onto your arms and pulling a push up…in one smooth move. My attempt was far from a smooth move! I got the spin okay, but the dropping onto your arms at 26st was a push, so I gave an alternative offering which saw me carefully lower onto one knee, and then sprawl onto the floor, attempt a push up – but really my body from boobs downwards was touching the floor (you try pushing that lot up!) – and then slowly rising back onto one knee and then launching myself into a standing position. By the time I had done one move, they were onto smooth move number three…never mind! It was great fun, although I think the colour of my face after only 10 minutes was of concern to the instructor, as she payed me quite a lot of attention and said “If anyone needs a break, just feel free to grab a drink and step out for a minute” whilst pointedly looking at me! She then, at the end of the class, asked me if I had enjoyed it and was I coming back next week!
I also fell off the cross trainer when I fainted, but this was only because I thought a full on gym session after a day on Slim Fast was a good idea! I had been on it for a few days – yes, looking for a quick fix again! – and was working long hours, with a long commute, followed by personal training and gym sessions…duh! The crazy, grunting, weight-lifting Russian lady came to my rescue; she used to scare me as I could hear her wherever I was in the gym as she grunted whilst lifting free weights with those funny little weight lifters gloves on – bless her! You do get all sorts in gyms and that’s why I like them!
Horse riding saw me suffer from numerous accidents. If you don’t just sit on the horse as a passenger, but really work hard to ‘school’ or train the horse, it can be a very intense workout. It is especially good for working your core and legs! I used to ride an absolutely mental horse who I adored. He just loved to test people and have fun…he would jog sideways down the road and jump out in front of vans and buses, and make a big deal out of a leaf on the road, so you really had to have your wits about you! One day we were giving a lead to a young horse – showing the other horse how to do it – and were galloping around a cross country course, when he decided to go from a gallop to a stop just before a huge jump over a ditch. I sailed over his head, landing underneath the jump, in a ditch full of wet red clay mud. After extracting myself, I looked down to see that my white jodhpurs were plastered in mud and I had no idea how I’d stay in the saddle with such a slippy bum! Full of adrenaline – after realising I was okay and not broken – I sprung up onto the saddle, only to find that I had done so a little bit too vigorously! I sailed right over the other side and ended up in a heap on the floor, laughing my head off, whilst this horse looked at me in disgust, sniffed me and, I swear he did this, shook his head! Once back in the saddle, I ended up getting a lead from the much calmer young horse and tried to keep the crazy old beast I was on in check! Galloping was his favourite pastime and I would oblige whenever the opportunity presented itself…there is nothing more thrilling than galloping along! This brings with it it’s own challenges…flies in your mouth, branches hitting you in the face, and random dogs straying into your path which leads to the horse quickly changing direction whilst you fly off in the opposite one! Needless to say, there are also comments from passers by “look at the size of that arse…not the horses love, yours!” Charming!
Skiing was another enlightening experience. I got my first opportunity to ski when a trip to Canada was announced at school. My nan and grandad were extremely generous and paid for the trip as they really wanted me to experience Canada for the first time. The school made such a big deal about getting ‘ski fit’ that they had me crapping my plus sized teenage pants before I’d even boarded the plane. Weighing 18st-ish in my later years at school, I was not the captain of any sports team and never had been. It was a struggle not to get picked last, and running around the all-weather pitch filled me with dread. So you can imagine that my ‘ski-fit’ plan was pretty bloody non-existent! Anyway, I made it there and loved it! I have pretty good coordination, and my balance was good at that time due to horse riding I did, so I found it fairly easy to pick up and quickly progressed. My fellow school mates soon christened me ‘the incredibly fast skier’ as I had two speeds…slow, or flat-out! They would spot me meandering along taking in the scenery, and then in the blink of an eye I would be zooming off. Gravity meant that skiing for a fat teenager was lots of fun! Yes, there were mishaps. Such as me somehow ending up buried to the waist in a snow drift and when my friend spotted me and came to help, the same thing happened to her. Neither of us were able to get out as we were laughing so much! There was also a nighttime skiing session which saw the snow turning icy and me not being able to get a purchase at all…meaning the Weight Loss Bitch practically slid down the mountain on her arse and was relegated to the beginners group for the following day…but, as ever, I ignored this advice and stayed where I was, completing a blue run on my third day of skiing! I knew why I kept having falls which saw my skis falling off, but didn’t want to admit it…I had fibbed about my weight on the ski hire forms – as my friends were next to me whilst I was filling it out – and so they had tensioned the skis for a much lighter person. So every time I had a slight mishap, the bloody things would come flying off! Next time I ski, I will tell the truth!
Anyway, Body Magic isn’t all bad. The health benefits are one thing, but the feel good factor is amazing! I love nothing more than the feeling I get after a good workout, and I am slowly building up in order to rejoin a gym again. In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with grabbing my weights during the ad breaks and doing some bicep curls (you can use baked bean cans if you like!) as five minutes is better than the nothing you were going to do! I do know how hard getting started can be though.
Any of you that watch ‘Embarrassing Fat Bodies’ with Dr Christian Jessen may have seen him don a ‘fat suit’ in a recent episode. This suit added 3st to his 15st frame. Given that he is a bit of a gym buff and a fit, healthy chap, you would imagine that this wouldn’t have caused him too many problems. No, no, no, no…good old Dr Christian was moaning like the best them about how uncomfortable he was, how difficult it was to move, and how out of breath he was. Good one – 3st Dr Christian? – try being me, or one of my fellow healthy bod wannabes for a day! It was interesting to see how much he struggled and I said a thousand ‘thank you’s to my body for keeping going! It was interesting to see that he concluded that walking, rather than jogging or running, was far safer – less intense on your joints – and more beneficial for overweight people.
Anyway, I’m not trying to arm twist you into getting up and doing some Body Magic, but instead trying to show you how much fun – and how funny – it can be…as long as you can laugh at yourself and take the ups with the downs! My BMI when I started my journey was 95.1 and has now reduced to 75.3…still awfully unhealthy, but a good dent in an ongoing journey!
One piece of advice that I do have though is about walking. If you do take your dog for a walk, try not to let it lost on the other side of a fence covered in barbed wire that you might have to try and clamber over. And, don’t take it on a walk with the same return journey…that sees you over 3 miles from your car, shattered and nearly in tears with knee pains, knowing that you have to get your arse back up off the muddy tree stump you are resting on and walking another 3 miles back in the same – uphill – direction you just came from! 😉
If you you fancy creating some of your own embarrassing Body Magic stories, the following songs might help you to jiggle your jelly just enough to do that! They are some of my favourite ad break dancing session tunes…
1. Ripgrove – Double 99
2. Sexy and I know it – LMFAO
3. Whatta man – Salt’n’Peppa with En Vogue
4. Boombastic – Shaggy
5. Ass like that – Eminem
6. I’m gonna be (500 miles) – The Proclaimers
7. The lion sleeps tonight – Tight Fit
8. Baby got back – Sir Mix a Lot
9. Gay bar – Electric Six
10. Danger! High voltage – Electric Sic
11. Get up offa that thing – James Brown
12. Push it – Salt’n’Peppa
13. Footloose – Kenny Loggins
14. Eye of the tiger – Survivor
15. Boys (summertime love) – Sabrina
I didn’t say I had good taste, but it’s eclectic enough to raise a smile and get you moving!
And for today’s usuals…
I got up, did my Body Magic, went to the horses, did more Body Magic, went to Asda, and came home…groundhog day really…but happy and relaxed groundhog day!
Breakfast: Peanut HiFi bar and a banana.
Lunch: Seafood sticks and salad, with a light thousand isle dressing mixed with low fat fromage frais to make it go further!
Dinner: Sweet chilli Philly pasta with red onion, spring onion, spinach, mushrooms, peppers, celery and cherry tomatoes.
Snacks: Two BLT wholemeal rolls (made and saved for later!)
I have had a bit of a hungry head on over the past couple of days and after last nights food fest, I woke up this morning feeling hungry again. I must have stretched my stomach too much – goodness me, looking at the size of my stomach, I really am the Queen of Understatements! Brekkie was another grab and go affair, and lunch was inspired by a Twitter friend who keeps mentioning seafood sticks! Dinner was a concoction made up to use the Philly and half used peppers, and the snack was because we are going to watch ‘The Fighter’ later on – Mark Whalberg in shorts…yes please…Channel 4 9pm for you fellow pervs! – and I wanted something nice, but wanted to use my syns a little more healthily!
Exercise: Treadmill and double BodyPump, double Boxercise and double Dancercise…at least double…I kept dancing to my favourite tunes! 😉
I felt a bit run down when I woke up this morning; didn’t sleep that well and had a bit of a snuffly nose, so I was pleased to get the treadmill and BodyPump done first thing. When my new exercise week starts on Wednesday, I am going to increase the amount of weight I use during BodyPump, so watch this space next week for my whining!
So this concludes another weekend in the life of Weight Loss Bitch…thank you for reading and please feel free to point people towards the blog if you think they might like it!
Much love, as always…
Weight Loss Bitch xxx
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