So my lovely, today is the day of love and romance…supposedly.
My day has consisted of standing in front of a full length mirror in my grey holey wash day knickers and trying not to sob! I hate clothes shopping!
However, I am not one to dwell on the misery inducing stuff. I was going to try and write something witty and entertaining for you but nothing I write today could top what I wrote a couple of years ago on this very day. So I am not even going to try.
Instead, I am going to share with you my delightful 2013 Valentine’s experience – here goes…
Valentines Day – for me it is a day that I have been dreading for the past six months. Not because I am single – I have a lovely chap; and not because I am not romantic – well, I’m not really, but everyone likes a little romance every now and again; but because today, Valentines Day, is the day that I have to go and have my lady parts inspected by the gynaecologist! I have PCOS and Endometrial Hyperplasia with cancerous cells and so have to get regular checks ‘down there’!
On this occasion, I did wonder whether or not I should spruce myself up ‘down there’ a little…maybe some rose oil or a little pink glitter, just to make it a bit prettier for him – considering it is the international day of romance. I was even considering going so far as getting a little music to play when I opened my legs – like some of the posher Valentines cards do, but I decided against that too. I mean, can you imagine if I’d have been pulled over by the Police for any reason and as I opened my legs to step out of the car, my tinkerbell started singing to them?! No, no, no, that just wouldn’t do!
Anyway, back to the story…this is a process that I don’t think any lady ever looks forward to. In my case it is something that I have to admit to dreading even though, when it’s all over and done with, I do walk out wondering what the hell I worked myself up so much for. I can’t really put this delicately, so please forgive me, but when you weigh over 40st finding your own lady parts can be a bit of a mission!
So letting someone else, a stranger, take a look ‘down there’ can be daunting.
First of all you have that mad panic of cleaning and carrying out the hygiene tasks before the appointment – does it look okay, does it smell okay, does it look like a beaver that’s been run over?!
Secondly, you have the journey to the appointment and the wait in the normally overly hot and sweaty waiting room. In my case I go to the hospital and have to sit with numerous ladies who are all complaining about the time it’s taking to be seen. This means that I get stressed out and all hot and bothered – and not in a good way.
Thirdly, due to my size, I have to have an internal scan before I see my chap…now these are fairly straightforward and the lady is normally in and out before I’ve got my trousers fully down! The only off putting thing about this is that the ‘wand’ they use looks rather like a toy microphone that my niece and nephew have…and as they were waving it around and singing into the other day, I had visions of the nurse and her assistant doing the same after my scan…not a nice thought for either party really!
Phew, so once all this is over, I then get called in to see the lovely consultant – a rather handsome chap who has no idea about personal space.
Really?! Whilst I do understand that he looks at ladies nether regions all day long, does he have to sit with his knees between my legs when he is talking to me? If I move backwards, he shifts forwards, so much so that his nose almost ends up touching mine! Regardless, he is a lovely guy and calls me his favourite patient…although I’m sure I could not possibly be! (In fact the last time I saw him, he promised to buy me some gold hot pants as I’d lost so much weight…Kylie needn’t worry just yet though!)
Once we’ve had our little chat, he then utters the dreaded words, “Okay then, just pop in there and take your trousers off and hop on the bed.” Now again, referring to my size, there isn’t much hopping going on…apart from when I am trying to get my trousers off and balance on one leg without falling over! But still, I oblige and then lie there whilst him and his assistant strap on their potholing gear, complete with head torches.
As I lie there, mortified and staring the ceiling, I wonder how many people of my size put up with the indignity of having their legs opened and different bits of flesh held out of the way?! Perhaps this is why I am his favourite patient…maybe the old saying “once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all” (as I was once told by a nurse during a smear test!) isn’t true! Maybe me and my lady parts are something unusual, unique and interesting for him?!
Anyway, once he has completed his examination, including taking samples – which sounds fine, but involves bits of flesh being removed…without anaesthetic – I am off on my merry way. I know this is incredibly wrong of me, but I always wonder if he’s a vegetarian…I somehow can’t imagine him tucking into a roast beef dinner after his tough day at work!
Given that I have lost nearly 10st since the last time I saw him, I was – in a weird way – looking forward to seeing him again! Why did I think that it was going to run smoothly? My 1.45 appointment was the first of his clinic, so I thought I’d be in and out quicker than he would be during his examination…how wrong I was! For a start he was running over an hour late, then I was told I couldn’t have a scan as they weren’t allowed to use the ‘big girls’ bed – so that would mean a scan one day and a further appointment another day.
This was the point at which I threw my toys out of the pram, as I’d been there for over two hours and had mentioned the scan to the receptionist when I signed in. I was then taken to see my consultant, who threw a wobbly on my behalf and got us use of the bed…at 4.45. I was then told I had to wait until all of the other patients had been seen…so my 1.45 appointment became a 6.45 appointment.
When I eventually saw him, he was pleased about the weight loss, said my condition symptoms were decreasing and has advised that I can come off the medication for a trail period, and kindly agreed to do me a smear test whilst he was down there! So I went to get ready, only to discover that the new leggings I put on this morning – and own two successful pairs of – had split on the seams from my crotch to the waistband up the crack of my bum!!
Mortified doesn’t quite describe it and, although I had worn a longer top, I wondered how many others had gotten a look at my chuff on this delightful Valentines day as I had decided to go sans knickers to make the derobing process a little easier!
Anyway, I got on with getting on the couch, whilst he announced to the nurses that I was his favourite patient and that I let him take biopsies without anaesthetic (he’s never offered it! I just thought I was being a wimp!) but he then goes on to tell them that although I’m great, I sweat a lot!
Now, this isn’t the Valentines day charmer I had imagined…no roses, no chocolates…just an extra long speculum and insults! And yes, I was sweating like a pig…it was really hot in the waiting room, I was stressed out, I had three people looking at my lady parts and a high intensity lamp down there…I felt like I was on trial!
Once the deeds were done, and another appointment in twelve months confirmed, I backed out of the room – I didn’t want him seeing my bum cheeks…although given what he’d just seen, I imagine they would have been a welcome relief – and headed home. Oh, and on my way out I pinched a couple of wee sample tubes…what a rebel!
At this point I then found out that my car had overheated whilst my Mum had it this afternoon, and so it smelt like horrible burnt fishy plastic…if any day could make me turn to the chocolate, crisps and Baileys, then this would be it!
Enough about internal examinations and overheating now. I want to move on and talk about the wonderful things I have done for my partner before on Valentines Day. Having been together for years now, and not really being someone who is really into all of the romance crap – I get very self conscious – I just like a nice meal and a DVD.
For the first couple of years we did presents, and I got flowers, but then he ended up working away in Scotland but was flown back each weekend. It just so happened that Valentines day was the day he was due back on this particular occasion, so I lovingly went and bought little mini muffins with hearts on, some pressies, some little pink hearts that fell out of his card when he opened it etc. Upon hearing that he’d landed, I brushed my newly cut and dyed hair, slipped into my silky PJs (that made me look like the big purple one from a box of Quality Street) and I even made him cheese on toast in the shape of hearts.
When he got home he was thrilled, but not too enthusiastic about the food…he ate it, but didn’t have the heart to tell me that he had stuffed himself with cheese and biscuits in the first class lounge before the short flight home and really hadn’t wanted to see another piece of cheese for a few days! We don’t have a fabulously romantic track record really.
This year we are heading to see ’12 Angry Men’ at the theatre…which sounds romance-filled, doesn’t it?! On that note, I had best go and get ready.
It’s been a good on-track day – a lovely breakfast of salmon, scrambled eggs, and spinach was followed by a weird combo of turkey, fruit, salad, and Greek yogurt…all on the same plate. I then made some goji berry and coconut flapjacks for Mr WLB that I had some of and synned, and have made a pan of potato, carrot, leek, and broccoli soup from my organic veg box delivery. My pictures aren’t uploading properly…but I think breakfast and lunch made the cut!
Weight Loss Bitch xxx