You know by now that I never take the easy option. I make life hard for myself…when things are going well I sabotage it! 😉
So I decided that I would cut the crap and start again…with a challenge.
Tonight’s blog post is a long time in coming – too long, and for that I apologise. I also apologise as it’s likely to be a long one – a bit of writing therapy for me mixed in with confessions.
First up I guess is my weight status – this is a blog about weight loss after all!
Back in December 2014 I had lost 21st 8lbs and weighed 21st 11.5lbs (305.5lbs or 139kgs) – I now weigh 28st 5.5lbs (397.5lbs or 180kgs).
For those of you using fingers and toes to do the math – in six months gained 6st 8lbs (92lbs or 42kgs).
So that’s a bit shit really. I have been hiding away and feeling pretty awful. Actually, I have been getting a new job and working hard to try and settle in to ‘proper’ work again and it bought back quite a lot of the old emotions from when I had work troubles with my shitty old boss. Those emotions led to me getting right back into my binge-eating habits again…the multi-pack of crisps, tub of ice cream, family bar of chocolate, takeaway, sausage rolls, two McDonalds breakfasts – of course, pretending that one of those was for someone else – all came back in to my life with a vengeance.
I am still fighting the urges and some days I win, some days I lose. I am trying to focus on the fact that a war is won battle by battle…and each meal is a little battle!
By my reckoning though there are 27 weeks left this year. If I can average a loss of 3.4lbs per week then I can get back to where I was at the end of last year. I know it’s a tall order, especially given the fact that my eating disorder is raging again, but I am going to give it my best shot. You have to keep trying.
On a positive note, work is good – very good. I have a great boss and some challenging work ahead of me. I have a bit of a competitive colleague…actually, she’s just a bit of a high-maintenance person it seems and I am anything but…so we clash – but I can deal with that! 😉
The last few months haven’t been all lost causes – take a look…
There have been weeks of effort…but the sustaining and continuity has been a struggle and it has been very up and down…with more ups unfortunately. There have been weeks that I have wanted to ditch group and not face the scales. But I kept going.
And I guess that’s all on the weight front really. It’s been a bit shitty but I am not giving up! And I have still lost 15st overall.
Which leads me onto the ‘challenge’.
A while ago I signed up to the Race for Life Pretty Muddy 5k with some friends and blog readers. I was so excited about the prospect of taking part. It was at the beginning of the year when I was feeling stronger…and 6st fecking lighter!
As time went on, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I wanted to do it so that I could contribute, so that I could feel proud of myself, so that I wasn’t giving up. Yet I wanted to hide away. I knew that I could only walk it. I knew that I don’t walk very far…lifting weights, Pilates, and HIIT sessions don’t really compare to long sustained cardio work and, for me, this was a long walk.
My legs have been sore and swollen due to fluid retention and lipodema – some days, the skin on my legs and feet is so tight that it feels like it is going to split. But for fuck sakes…people take part in Race for Life who have battled far more than I have! I needed to get a grip!
My friends couldn’t make it and a couple of the blog readers baled out to for various reasons. A letter sent in error cancelling my place gave me the perfect out…
But I gave myself a kick up the arse on Thursday and decided that I would do it. No more quitting when shit gets tough. No more hiding away and not facing the world. I was going to take part no matter how long it took me to get around. So I did.
I sat by the starting line and gave myself a talking to…
I joined in with the warm up – very nearly at breaking point after reading the reasons that people were taking part …which were written on the back of their t-shirts. I was behind the two ladies on the left of the picture – raring to go! I set off first and was very quickly overtaken by everyone in my wave…
So that when I reached this point I was on my own – just past the 1k marker…and I was shattered already! I kept joking with the marshals that I was just really fast and was the first person from the next wave…I think they just felt sorry for me as I kept getting high-fives and little bits of motivation from them. The best of these, funnily enough, were being told that I was over halfway and that the finish line was just around the corner! 🙂
But by the time I reached this point – yes, that is me at the top – I was with my cousin and my friend…who had not only caught me up, but ran ahead, finished, and then came back to get me!
I really struggled with this obstacle. It was a cargo net on the other side, which I was trying to climb right at the end of the event…covered in mud…with swollen legs and hands. I got halfway up the net and didn’t have the capacity to bend my knees properly to reach for the next footholds…and when I did get them, I kept slipping. I was going to head back down but there was now a big crowd of runners – and spectators – who started to cheer me on…there was no way that I was quitting with them all watching me and cheering me on! I somehow managed to get up there, rolled over the top and slid down the other side…into a pool of mud…and just as I was getting up my cousin side-swiped me as she came down the slide and I ended up covered in head to toe!
As you can see…
I didn’t bloody care – I had just climbed a fucking cargo net…me…at 28st I had hauled myself over that thing and slid down without a care in the world. My number only stayed so clean as I left it with Mr WLB!
But I bloody well did it. And so did all of the other lovely ladies taking part. It had nothing to do with getting round in a certain time…just about getting round at all – just about making the decision to start!
And so can you – take a look at what events are left and give it a go! Walk it…I did…but I can’t tell you how great it felt. I was miserable at the start but elated at the end. And I know that for you runners and walkers out there, 5k is a piddly amount. Don’t forget though that a few years ago I could barely stand for more than a few seconds – to me, this was like conquering Everest!
It was tough. I am sunburnt and my feet are blistered and my joints hurt…so does my hoohah as I have rubbed tiger oil onto my knees and somehow it’s ended up reaching my hoohah – I think courtesy of me pulling my PJs up over my knees! I am also going to be washing mud from places that mud should never reach for the next few days I think. But it was my first ever time of taking part in something like this. And I did it weighing over 28st.
I am really proud of myself and so proud of my lovely cousin and friend who came back for me…that meant the world to me – I don’t think they will ever know how much it meant! And Mr WLB ended up walking the course with me too – so he shares a little part of the effort too…especially as I almost divorced him halfway around for quoting motivational fecking words at me, like, ‘each step you take is a step closer to your goal’ – he now understands that there is a time and a place for motivation! 😉
Anyway – I think that will do for now. I know that you put up with lots from me but I do hope that you get a little something back from seeing that none of this is easy. Changing your life is fucking hard – really hard – but you have to keep fighting. Whatever your fight may be – don’t give up.
On that note, I will love you and leave you. I have started my renewed weight loss campaign with a challenge – and the irony of this fecking weight being a challenge doesn’t escape me…I guess I was just fed up of putting things off until I ‘have lost weight’!
If you have any thoughts of straying off the path of health this evening then maybe bung the dosh my way – I could do with a boost – click here to donate. Thank you to you if you have already given…and no biggie if you haven’t got the dosh to donate! 🙂 x