Yeah – I’m afraid it’s one of ‘those’ blog posts – so any sensitive types should stop reading…although I am guessing that you didn’t open a blog post entitled ‘Shitting in a hole!’ if you were that concerned!
I have to add at this point that I had written a lovely little piece for your delectation…and then promptly fecking lost it – so I am not in a happy fluffy mood now!
Following last nights blog post about sticking with what I know, I thought I would share with you the moment at which I knew things had gotten out of hand – when I had taken things too far.
It was 3am and I was shivering my arse off in a tent in the middle of a field in the New Forest – miles from where I live – after spending a fortune on tickets for a ‘conscious’ festival. It was raining. I’d had a number of conversations that evening with people who were talking about things I had no idea about – weather interruption, yerba mate, transcendental meditation, transformational dance experiences…the list of ‘it’ things was incredibly long and I had no clue!
Anyway, it was 3am and I needed a wee.
I was half inside a sleeping bag – because I hadn’t bought a big one that unzipped properly, it only zipped down halfway and I wouldn’t fit – so I was actually half inside two sleeping bags, fully dressed with my PJs on top, with a fleece hoodie on top of those. There was no natural light. I had lost the torch. My inflatable mattress was deflating and I couldn’t get up off the fecking thing – as I put my weight on one hand the air would move to another area of the mattress…it was a challenge to get out of the tent without wetting myself.
So I managed to find my way to the toilets without breaking my ankle – somehow! However I was wearing leather trainers which nearly got me lynched near the loo’s…leather isn’t really an acceptable item at a conscious (which means lots of vegans!) festival.
This is where it got a little too much for me – and I had my moment of enlightenment whilst hovering over a hole in the ground; which probably isn’t the enlightening moment the festival organisers had in mind.
I had to shit in a hole. In order to shit in that hole I had to take a little cup – the size of the plastic cups you get from a water vending machine – which I had to fill with sawdust. I had to shit in a hole that had no ‘flush’ – so I was attending to the call of nature on top of lots of other peoples’ calls of nature – and that lack of flush was to be substituted with a thin sprinkling of sawdust.
Apparently they were ‘eco’ toilets.
I don’t like them.
It seems strange to ask you to imagine me there, but imagine away. I was trying to hover over a pile of poop – and let me tell you that I haven’t ever smelt poop like it…vegan / conscious poop is on another level – and do my business whilst shivering uncontrollably, in the dark, with a severe lack of toilet paper and nowhere to clean your hands. It was then that I had my ‘moment’ – which isn’t a euphemism for a bowel clearance!
I was there to try and find a ‘way’.
I wanted to be like the lovely slender vegan yoga types who put bee pollen on smoothies and make their own brownies with vegetables and dates and stuff.
We left the following morning…and went to McDonalds.
This is one moment amongst many that I have experienced this year – all in the name of my quest for enlightenment…whatever the feck that means.
There was also a ‘sound workshop’ this year which I thought might provide me with an answer – an answer to what, I don’t know! I found myself sitting in a room with lots of women of a certain age – and my friend – lovely women for the most part I’d imagine. We did some chanting – yes…chanting. We did some laughing yoga. We did some dancing…sober. They did more dancing than me – some were even yodelling and doing chants in the style of Native American Indians, complete with that type of dancing they do. We then had a gong bath. I can’t even go into it – it was a little traumatic and a bit too unlike anything I have ever done before! My friend thought it was ace. At the end we all had to lie down on our yoga mats and cover ourselves with a blanket for the gong bath…people were so still, and some were snoring. I couldn’t get comfy and kept wriggling around – in the end I just sat up and watched everyone with interest.
I so desperately want to be a cool yoga vegan hippy.
I’m not though – and I doubt that I ever will be.
I like bacon. I love eggs. Cheese is my nemesis. I quite like leather handbags too. And steak. I like lifting weights. I like my rowing machine. I like going for a poop (I realise ‘shit’ isn’t a nice word…but I was in a mood when I started typing and ‘shit’ felt more appropriate for that mood!) in a nice toilet with a flush and a bit of bleach and some decent soap and water and a nice fluffy towel. I also love a good burger.
So it’s back to Slimming World for me. I have been chatting with a friend of mine tonight about our ‘quest’. Slimming World worked wonders for us both but we then had to push the boundaries and get too clever. We branched out. We wanted to move away from what worked because we thought that there was another ‘level’. We started cocking up at that point in time. I am hoping that we both find our way back!
Anyway – I don’t get paid by Slimming World to write glowing fecking blog posts about them. They aren’t perfect. Neither am I though – and I guess that’s why we work well together!
On that note, I need a wee so I am going to wrap this up – I am rather excited to think that I have a flushing toilet waiting for me…and some Andrex!
It’s been another good food day. I had an early start at work for an 8am meeting – so I had packed a breakfast of spinach, smoked salmon, and boiled eggs…not sure what my colleagues thought of the smell of that combo but it tasted fab! I had some bean chilli with more spinach, chopped yellow pepper, and baby plum tomatoes for lunch – with a banana, orange, and a plum for work snacks. Dinner was a mixed bean and chicken curry with even more spinach. My evening snack was a pitta bread with a bit of peanut butter on. A good day. Long may they continue!
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx