Today was the day that I stepped on the scales at group after a couple of AWOL weeks…
It turns out that eating junk means you gain weight. ‘No shit Sherlock!’ I hear you cry!
Having reached the heady heights of a 21.5st weight loss this time last year, I am now the not so proud owner of a 9.5st weight loss. Yes…for those mathematical geniuses (I checked…the plural isn’t genii!) that is a gain of 12st.
I have put on a stone a month.
Considering I was losing a stone a month in the early days, this isn’t an unfeasible number for me.
Whilst it might not be unfeasible, it’s very fucking annoying!
It hasn’t been as simple as putting on a stone month though. There have been lots of ups and downs – some great losses and some truly magnificent ‘no fucking way!’ gains – it has not been a year of content for me and my weight. Take a look at the lovely graph for the past year:
Take a look at the lovely graph from the very beginning:
I like to analyse stuff to a certain extent. I can see that the first graph – this past year – shows that there have been some mammoth attempts at staying on track and fuelling myself well. I can also see that there have been many ‘fuck it’ moments…and that these moments led to days off track.
The second graph reflects the struggles I had in the beginning, then the period of smooth sailing – and dare I say it, complacency – of the time when I felt most in control – and then you can see the past year – which is me fighting with my old demons and my demons coming out on top and kicking my ass!
Binge Eating Disorder is my bitch demon. Having a genuine ‘love’ of junk food is also a bitch demon of mine. These people who tell me that they just hate McDonalds and the like…I don’t get it! I love the taste of that food, why wouldn’t I? It’s designed to taste more-ish and it’s designed to get you hooked! Whilst I understand that junk food isn’t good for my body, my mind likes to argue and my tastebuds agree. If only salad was bad for you…
So I have to go back to the basics that I used to wean myself off this pattern of behaviour in the first place. It is going to take time, it is going to take practise, and I am likely to have a few fuck-ups along the way. But I am determined!
One thing that I have learnt this past year is that no-one is immune from slipping back. I genuinely believed at one point that I had cracked it. Whilst I kept telling myself that I wasn’t safe, a little part of me thought I had cracked it. I wouldn’t say that I became complacent, but I did keep telling myself that I would be okay and that I would get back on track soon…
Soon didn’t arrive though. Weight gains arrived. Junk food arrived. Missed PT appointments happened. Skipped gym sessions occurred. A lack of meditation practice happened. Not writing blog posts began and continued. Not keeping food diaries occurred. And the weight gain arrived.
Nobody is immune to gaining weight. Especially people like me who have been seriously obese as you do cock up your metabolism, and your hormone levels change, which makes the battle harder. I see people in the newspapers and magazines talking about fantastic weight losses and I sincerely hope that they keep that weight off…but I do realise that some of them don’t – that’s the curse I guess – it takes constant work and effort. I still say that being fat is harder though, and that you have to choose your hard!
Fuck it! I have had bigger battles than this one and I have done it once so I can do it again.
In order to help me make a fresh start, my lovely consultant let me have a new book and gave me the shiny stickers I have accumulated so far. And when I get my next award, and the one after that and so on, I will get a new sticker to decorate my new start book:
So 2016 is the year in which I am going to go backwards…back to what I know works for me!
This is likely to include me turning down dinner invites and trips out – unless I pick the venue – as I find it hard to stay on track when I eat out, certainly in the initial stages. This is likely to include me getting a bit more selfish with my time – if I can’t look after myself and spend time sorting myself out, then how can I expect to help anyone else? I am going to get back to meditating, have downloaded a visualisation exercise, and I am going to speak with my boss about working from home on my usual day of group so I can commit to my morning group again. I have got my rowing machine workouts downloaded too.
On that note, I am going to finish up for the night – I am feeling a bit emotional about it all. I know how much I wanted the weight loss and I am gutted that I let myself get this far out of control again…so I need to try and get my head into a positive place as beating myself up never got me anywhere!
Thank you so much for your ongoing and continued support,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx