As you know, the past 15 months have been a little crazy on the weight loss front. In fact I have gone from losing over 21st to losing 8st – so for the mathematically astute, you are correct – that is a gain of 15st. So I am now back up to just over 35st and I had been almost down to 21st.
The difference is astounding.
Life is fucking hard at this weight. Everything aches. I get tired – in fact I don’t think I ever feel not tired. My legs are suffering with this lipedema and are also swelling up with fluid. Climbing the stairs is back to feeling like an Everest mission…when I had been feeling quite mountain goat-like at one point. Shit – I was rock climbing back then! My binge eating has returned with a vengeance.
Visually there is obviously a big change too. My clothes don’t fit, my collar bones have disappeared, the hip bones that I was so excited to feel have beaten a hasty retreat, and my knee caps are no longer!
I am generally feeling very fucked off with myself.
You see I had made a promise. When I was no longer ’40-something-stone’ I promised myself that I would never ever see that number on the scales again. When I was no longer ’30-something-stone’ I promised myself that I would never ever see that number on the scales again. The same promise was made when I went below 25st – a number that I hadn’t been below since my late-teens. And I was almost making the same promise to myself about never being ’20-something-stone’…I was so close to getting that elusive ‘1’ in front of my weight.
Yet here I am creeping back towards 40st.
But I am not here to moan – that’s not really my style.
I am here to say that I am going to fucking fight back with everything I have got!
Visits to the doctor to get some help over the past couple of months haven’t really proven helpful. There is no help available for binge-eating disorder. I was told that if I ever purged after eating then I might be able to sneak in to the bulimic category…but that didn’t seem fair to bulimics that needed the help – and as I don’t purge (anymore) then I didn’t think that was helpful.
I managed to get an appointment with the lovely dietitian that helped me previously – and this is where my new interest in Low Carb, High Fat, or LCHF, eating has stemmed from. This, along with me reading ‘The Real Meal Revolution’ and also kind of questioning the high carb recommendations that have only recently changed for diabetics. Anyway, I digress. I am seeing her every few months and she is doing what she can to help me.
Feeling a little lost, I decided to have a look around for a new gym. You know how much I loved my workouts. There is nothing as good as feeling knackered and jelly-legged when you come out of the gym. I loved the feeling of using my body properly and had built up to a fairly impressive level for a fat girl. Squatting 90kg. Deadlifting 110kg. Leg pressing 200kg with more in the tank. Taking part, albeit slowly and walking, in 5k events. Cycling 25 miles. Canoeing all day. Having a go at activities like rock-climbing. Whilst I didn’t look like Lara Croft, I certainly felt like her! It felt kick-ass doing something active with my life. 🙂
So I went out and found a new gym. This was after having a chat with my fab old trainer – who has moved in a different direction and who I still love to bits; he’s ace and we’re keeping in touch and have arranged a big BBQ soon! I wanted to find somewhere that I could go and get some guided advice in an environment that I felt comfortable and welcome.
Top of the list though was someone who wouldn’t put up with my shit.
If you happen to have been at one of my talks, or spoken with me, you will know that I am fairly honest about what a bitch I can be when it comes to my food. I am one of the most manipulative people there is when it comes to getting what I want. If you are sitting there wondering how I could get so fat in the first place, when I won’t go into supermarkets – ‘How do you get the food?’ ‘Who’s bringing you the food? ‘Why don’t they just stop?’ – I have heard it all before. And ‘they’ get me the food because life isn’t worth living if they don’t. They get me the food because they love me and because I make all sorts of promises and use all sorts of emotional blackmail until I get it. I have a couple of spare rooms at home – move in with me and see for yourself if you want! 😉
So finding someone who wouldn’t put up with my shit…
I think I have. Alex. Alex from Alex Myers Personal Training and Studio CV34. I am not quite sure that either of us know what we are in for. He doesn’t seem like he’d take shit from me. But I am not a pushover. I tend not to just do as I am told as I like to understand the rationale behind the information I am given. I have a questioning mind. I will try anything once though – which has gotten me into trouble in the past! Even though I am in the shit with my body, I will still struggle to hand over the control of how to get it back to someone else. Yet I am going to try and put myself in his capable hands. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to be a challenge to trust someone enough to help me out of this hole I have once again fucking dug!
I have spent years living my life as a fat person. I have spent years trying not to be a fat person. I have a PgDip and a Masters in ‘people’ and learning and development…and am on my way to a second Masters in Coaching. I have so much information in my head about eating and nutrition and fuelling my body well and how to get your mind in the place to do this. I just need someone who can push me and hold me accountable. I am 90% sure that I know what I am doing…I just need help channeling my frustrations and encouraging along the way. Does that make sense? I know that I don’t know it all, and would hate to come across that way – but I have a lot of knowledge in my little head and just need to figure it all out.
You know as well as I do that most fat people know why they are fat. I certainly didn’t get this way from eating too much salad. I ate too much shit. It became a habit. And then I became reliant upon it. And then it became a head issue…and always will be. So I know what I need to do in basic terms, but when it comes down to the fine art of cutting body fat closer to my target, I’ll need lots of help. For the moment, I think all I need to do is cut out a few trips to McDonalds and I’ll be well on the way. The continued motivation it is going to take to keep going and to lose the weight that I want to lose is pretty immense…and this is what I need the big help with. I am thrilled to think that I will be working with someone who has so much knowledge and experience in helping people overcome their lifestyle challenges and helping them to lead the life they want to lead!
The only bonus to being this fat – apart from the built in ‘stay warm insulation’ – is the fact that you don’t have to go crazy to make a dent in your weight. A few small changes help.
Alex is a massive change for me. We had a good chat before I signed up. He has made it perfectly clear that he is the boss – in a good way! Squatting, deadlifting, and leg pressing is out. Focusing on planning for the future, goal-setting, and easing me in gently is in. That’s going to be a challenge for me…as my head wants to crack on. However he knows that my poor old body isn’t able to do that. So my first bit of instruction was to get a full health check and get the all clear. Apparently I have to tell the doctor what I have signed up for…which sounds ominous but so fecking exciting to me! I have been tracking my food in a diary, on MyFitnessPal, and taking pictures. I have had daily messages from Alex and I haven’t even had my first session…he’s on the ball and that is so reassuring to me. If my boss was reading this she would laugh, as she knows how much I place in people being on the ball!
The thought of getting my life back – without bloody weight loss surgery – is exciting. I was almost there before. I know what to do. I just need someone giving me a nudge (and maybe a kick every now and again!) in the right direction.
I do have a feeling that there will be some ‘moments’ – so I thought now was a really good time to get blogging again, so that you can go through it with me!
On that note, I wanted to give some full-disclosure before I finish up for the evening. I know that you will have had tough times before, and that there will be tough times ahead. I know that you will have seen other people around you seemingly living wonderful lives – especially on social media where Facebook Wankers post all the good shit and none of the bad. I know that this makes you feel shit, and that it makes you question whether or not you will ever get things on track. I know that sometimes you just need to see something ‘real’ to give you a little nudge in the right direction. So I am promising that, as always, you will get to see both the good and the bad from me. Here’s a classic example:
This is my ‘bad’ and my ‘good’! It’s something I need to work on. As someone said to me today on Twitter, no good food decision ever starts with the words, ‘Fuck it…’! How true is that?
Wednesday is a classic example of my ‘Fuck it…’ I have a feeling that there was a little rebellion in there, and also a little ‘Last Supper’ thinking before I get whipped into shape. It was a Drive-Thru breakfast, two of them. Then no food all day until I drove home from the supermarket and ate a sandwich on the way. Then I polished off a bag of toffee things, almost a whole box of Frosties, and half a multipack of crisps. I was then throughly pissed off and threw the rest of the Frosties away along with the crisps!
And then came the saintly version of WLB – the version that I managed to hold on to for a couple of years. Cauliflower rice – which is not fucking rice-like in the slightest. I mean, come on! Which optimistic sod out there came up with that shite?! I would rather eat those little polystyrene balls that look like rice and come out of beanbags…I bet it tastes closer to rice than this did. But it was saintly, so I ate the lot and felt smug despite the fact that it made my microwave smell like a fart! Anyway – lots of veggies, chicken, eggs, yogurt, nuts, berries, spinach…I do love spinach! See – saintly.
Good vs Bad. I need to find a middle-ground.
So all that feels a bit rambling – I am sorry. I am excited and nervous and scared and tired all at the same time…and wanting to achieve so much more with my life. I have an amazing family and lovely friends who desperately want to see me happy and healthy. Yet despite all of their love, help, and support I know that I have to dig deep and find it within myself to do this. It’s a big job…but I never back down from a challenge! 😉
JFDI – (that one’s for you David!) 🙂
Thank you for reading – and thank you for sticking with me!
P.S. Give Alex’s Facebook page a ‘like’ – he has written some really good stuff that resonates with my way of thinking…that’s what got me curious about him! I think you’ll like it.