I follow a Twitter account called ‘Shit my Dad says’ – it’s pretty funny. My Dad has said some rather random things over the years, but it’s hard to remember them all.
The thing is, we’re quite an open family and talk about all sorts of stuff. Mr WLB couldn’t believe the first time he met my Dad as he said he didn’t think old people swore. For the record, my Dad is 54…and Mr WLB and I have been together for 14 years…so he didn’t think 40 years olds swore – he was a sheltered soul before he met me! Oh, and my Mum was an Area Manager for Ann Summers…so it was a very open household growing up.
Anyway, we had breakfast together yesterday, the three of us. We were in beautiful surroundings – sitting outside in the sunshine enjoying the fresh air and tucking into our breakfast. I was gazing into the distance, relaxing, when I heard my Dad say something rather amusing. It was amusing for a number of reasons. The fact that he said it to Mr WLB, the fact that he said it in front of me, and the fact that he shared the story with us. Bearing in mind that my Dad reads the blog – and I talk about all sorts of shit on here…gynaecology appointments, having a poo on the Queen’s Estate, and protein breakfasts – the protein breakfast I will get to in a moment!
So there we were, beautiful surroundings…blah…blah…blah. And then I heard my Dad utter the following words:
“I saw my penis for the first time in a while the other day.”
Erm…Dad – too much information, thanks.
He went on to describe the conversation he had had with himself. “Hello mate, I haven’t seen you in a while.”
It was one of those moments when you don’t quite know what to do. I think I just laughed. You see we were talking about weight loss. My Dad has been on a health kick for a few weeks and is embracing the ‘NSVs’ (non-scale victories!) it seems. He was also talking about how great it was that his belt wasn’t digging in under his tummy anymore.
God love him.
“I saw my penis for the first time in a while the other day.” Jesus Dad…who says that?!
I think it put Mr WLB off the cumberland sausage he was eating.
So yeah – that’s my Dad!
He also tells great stories – I think one of my recent favourites was of a drive home he had from work. He and I are similar drivers – both confident but bolshy at times – and I laughed as he was telling me his tale as I knew how angry and joyous this would have made him!
Dad was driving along a busy section of dual carriage way that rather swiftly, after a set of traffic lights, changes to a single lane. The inside lane disappears, so most sensible drivers stick themselves in the outside lane on the approach to lights. But not the rather fancy, suited and Rayban’d up driver of a brand new BMW 5 series…no, not at all…he decided to drive rather swiftly up the inside lane to beat the traffic.
In the process of doing so, he pulled alongside my Dad and proceeded to try and force him into the oncoming traffic as BMW man refused to give way. Hmmm…not something that my Dad appreciated, so he beeped his horn only to have the suited and Rayban’d up eejit give him the ‘V’ sign and the wanker gesture. So my Dad had to give in, or face oncoming traffic, but his blood was now boiling and he vowed to himself to have words with this chap at some point further along in the journey.
Now, my Dad has a bit of a thing about idiot drivers. He used to drive cars for a living – working as a test-driver – and has done all sorts of driver training – advanced, skid-pan, ice driving etc. An occupational hazard of this work was accidents, being both in them and being witness to them…so he has seen some pretty horrific accidents and hates people who drive like arseholes basically. My Dad also happens to look like a Mitchell brother, and so him getting out of his car to have words with another driver regarding their irresponsible driving can be quite a sight to behold!
Anyway, I digress. Dad continued to drive along behind this BMW guy for a short while before the slip road – with a give-way sign to get onto a rather fast stretch of road – appeared. It seemed that they were both heading in the same direction and so were keeping an eye on the traffic approaching from the right in order to get onto this road. However, the BMW driver seemed to be wearing the wrong Raybans as he put his foot down after spotting a gap in the traffic and drove smack bang into the back of a huge old Shogun that was in front of him, waiting at the give-way line!
The joy in Dad’s heart was immense and his previous rage left him immediately apparently. He couldn’t resist driving alongside the BMW, beeping his horn, giving the ‘V’ sign accompanied with the wanker gesture and laughing hysterically. Apparently the BMW driver was lost for words! The lady in the car behind my Dad was also in hysterics as she had followed the journey and seen the guy almost forcing my Dad off the road. No damage to the Shogun at all thank goodness – it was a big chunky old 4×4 with a tow bar…but the BMW was a write-off.
And as an aside – the parents of the kids at school thought my Dad was a drug dealer…his test driving meant that he got to take the cars home with him – we were collected from school in top of the range newly launched cars that changed on a regular basis! 🙂
Mr WLB says some random stuff too – I’ll have to start taking little notes. His smutty offering this morning was to ask if I fancied a ‘protein breakfast in bed’…I sent him this:
and told him that I was off carbs! 🙂
The dietitian has said that I can start introducing ‘one a day’ soon though…but I’m pretty sure that she was talking about sweet potato! 😉
I say quite a lot of random shit too – this week I called a milk float a ‘bastard milk float’ as I was in a rush to get to a meeting and he came down the road so slowly – like milk floats do! – I was ranting away to myself…”Who has fucking milk delivered anyway?!” I am actually a big supporter of shopping local and supporting small businesses – I was just in stroppy Green Cat mode – who calls a milk float a bastard?! 😉 Mr WLB is having a sabbatical at the moment and on his first day being at home, as I was leaving for work earlier in the week, I said “I suppose you’ll spend more time wanking now?” And then only today I was chuckling away at a remix of an old song. It was called Pony by Ginuwine and is all about a rather confident chap offering his saddle and pony for a ride. I mean come on, who refers to their genital area as a saddle, and calls their peter a pony?! And whilst I’m on a random rant…the word ‘snatch’ – who other than weightlifters uses that word? I heard someone use it earlier and it makes me cringe. I can hardly keep a straight face when my friend and old PT, Matt, talks about his snatch! 🙂
On that note, I think I’ll wind it up now…or else you will get a greater insight into my warped mind than you expected!
I hope you’re having a fun-filled Bank Holiday? Mine has been fairly sedate so far – although I did get to spend some lovely time in the field with the horses today. I was giving them all scratches and cuddles and when I turned my attention to my little Shetland, my big Spanish Norman came up behind me and started to paw my bum with his hoof – he looked like a giant dog pawing for attention! He’s such a gentle giant but doesn’t realise his size.
It feels good to be eating well again – although I am having some issues with the Slimming World plan…I might write about that tomorrow – I have some Sons of Anarchy to catch up on tonight.
Today’s food looked like this:
A veggie scramble for breakfast with red onion, mushrooms, baby plum tomatoes, spinach, and courgetti. Lunch was a salad – there was loads in it – quinoa, chicken, curried cauliflower, broccoli, mint, watermelon, cucumber, spring onion…loads of tasty stuff. Dinner was a surf’n’turf – fillet steak with king prawns – with portobello mushrooms and wild garlic – it was lovely – probably the best meal I cooked for myself in a long time. Mr WLB is supposed to be my ‘chef’ at the moment…but he seems to want to resign before getting started! I am getting my cook on over the Bank Holiday though, so it’s all good.
Thank you for reading – I bet you’re looking forward to meeting my Dad now…! 😉