I was described as ‘normal’ today – ‘better than normal’ in fact…although it was a gynaecologist that paid me that little gem of a compliment and considering he looks at vaginas all day long I am not sure that the ‘normal’ thing translates anywhere outside of the lady area!
If you’re a long-standing reader of my ramblings then the tales of my visits to the silver-haired fox of a man that is my gynaecologist will not be a surprise…but if you’re of a nervous or sensitive disposition then ditch this blog post and check back in next time! 😉
A few years ago I was diagnosed with Endometrial Hyperplasia – with high levels of cancerous cells – along with PCOS and so I have to get regular checks ‘down there’!
For a couple of years the checks always seemed to fall on the day of love and romance…Valentines Day. I kid you not. When every other female in the land was hoping to get a good service, I was getting a very good service…steam clean and speculum included!
So today rocked up and I had delayed going in a couple of times – work commitments and a general dislike of getting my lady bits out for a room full of people…did I mention that last time the medical students decided to come and have a look?! Anyway, I decided to put on my grown-up knickers today and crack on…crack on perhaps isn’t the right choice of words – I’ll move on…
Whenever I go and see this chap, I always wonder if I should spruce myself up ‘down there’ a little…maybe some rose oil or a little pink glitter, just to make it a bit prettier for him. Given that we often meet on the international day of romance, last year I was even considering going so far as getting a little music to play when I opened my legs – like some of the posher Valentines cards do, but I decided against that too. I mean, can you imagine if I’d been pulled over by the Police for any reason and as I opened my legs to step out of the car, my lady garden started singing to them?! 😉
I am probably going to reiterate something of what I have written on previous occasions – as the appointments all have a similar theme…so apologies to you if you have read them and have a good memory. Although quite why you would want to remember details of my gynae appointments…
This is a process that I don’t think anyone ever looks forward to. In my case it is something that I have to admit to dreading even though, when it’s all over and done with, I do walk out wondering what the hell I worked myself up so much for. Letting a stranger look at your lady parts can be a little bit daunting at the best of times…best of times?!…can I just clarify that I am not in the habit of letting strangers have a look – so there is no ‘best of times’ about it…it’s not pleasant – but it’s one of those things that you need to do.
First of all you have that mad panic of cleaning and carrying out the hygiene tasks before the appointment – does it look okay, does it smell okay, does it look like a beaver that’s been run over?!
Secondly, you have the journey to the appointment, battling for a parking space, and the wait in the overly hot and sweaty waiting room. In my case I go to the hospital and have to sit with numerous ladies who are all complaining about the time it’s taking to be seen. This means that I get stressed out and all hot and bothered – and not in a good way.
Thirdly, I have to have an internal scan before I see my chap…now these are fairly straightforward and the lady is normally in and out before I’ve got my trousers fully down! The only off putting thing about this is that the ‘wand’ they use looks rather like a toy microphone that my niece and nephew have…and as they were waving it around and singing into the other day, I had visions of the nurse and her assistant doing the same after my scan…not a nice thought for either party really!
Phew, so once all this is over, I then get called in to see the lovely consultant – a rather handsome chap who has no idea about personal space. Really, I do understand that he looks at ladies nether regions all day long, but does he have to sit with his knees between my legs when he is talking to me? If I move backwards, he shifts forwards, so much so that his nose almost ends up touching mine! Regardless, he is a lovely guy and calls me his favourite patient…I think he’s a bit of a sweet-talker!
Once we’ve had our little chat, he then utters the dreaded words, “Okay then, just pop in there and take your trousers off and hop on the bed.” I oblige and then lie there whilst him and his assistant strap on their potholing gear, complete with head torches. As I lie there, mortified and staring the ceiling, I start noticing little faces in the paintwork up there – in fact, I went once and they had put posters on the ceiling for people to read! One nurse once said to me, “Don’t worry love, once you’ve seen one you really have seen them all.” – she was assisting today and was just as jovial…what a fecking job?!
Anyway, once he has completed his examination, including taking samples – which sounds fine, but involves bits of flesh being removed…without anaesthetic – I am off on my merry way. I know this is incredibly wrong of me, but I always wonder if he’s a vegetarian…I somehow can’t imagine him tucking into a roast beef dinner after his tough day at work!
I have to say that this time was much better than the last one – when I got undressed to get on the couch only to find that my new leggings had split along the seams from my crotch to the waistband up the crack of my bum! And I hadn’t worn pants in order to make the process a little smoother…tripping over my knickers and knocking myself out was a worry. Mortified doesn’t quite describe it and, although I had worn a longer top, I wondered how many others had gotten a look at my chuff on that delightful Valentines day?! I remembered leaning over the reception desk – which meant my arse was pointing into the waiting crowd – and feeling a breeze, but thought nothing of it…I have to wonder if there is one of ‘those’ pictures on Facebook of my chuff in leggings…a warning to fellow fatties never to wear them?!
Anyway, I got on with getting on the couch, whilst he announced to the nurses that I was his favourite patient and that I let him take biopsies without anaesthetic (he’s never offered it…I just thought I was being a wimp…it’s fucking painful having lumps taken!) but he then goes on to tell them that although I’m great, I sweat a lot! Now, this isn’t the Valentines day charmer I had imagined…no roses, no chocolates…just a long speculum and insults! And yes, I was sweating like a pig…it was really hot in the waiting room, I was stressed out, I had a room of medical students and three nurses looking at my lady parts and a high intensity lamp down there…it felt like my vagina was on trial for crimes I wasn’t aware of! Once the deeds were done, and another appointment in twelve months confirmed, I backed out of the room – as I didn’t want him seeing my bum cheeks…although given what he’d just seen, I imagine they would have been a welcome relief – and headed home. That was my experience of a few years ago. And that came after waiting from 1.45 until 6.45 to get seen…
So you understand why I felt a little apprehensive today. I did not want events to repeat themselves…and had made sure that my knickers were firmly in place and that my trousers weren’t in danger of giving up.
Oh, and I didn’t have to make my way past the arguing couple and her mother that ended in fisticuffs last time…from what I could gather, the mother didn’t like the father of her grandchild and the mum of the baby couldn’t decide who to side with. All of this played out in the doorway of the gynae and ‘baby’ place with a full audience and included a witness who seemed to be about three years old. It was incredibly undignified…but is pretty representative of my home town unfortunately!
The internal scan went well and I was told that all looked very good…’very good’ would not be my choice of words whilst sitting at the splayed-leg end of the action!
So I was then to wait to see the man himself. I had to chuckle at the song choices that were playing…one was an R Kelly tune in which he was talking about putting his key in your ignition(!) and the other was ‘Beautiful’ by James Blunt…and the Cockney rhyming slang for his name just wouldn’t leave my head (his Twitter account is hilarious!) Anyway, the man himself was thrilled with the results and has said that I need to keep a track of my ‘monthlies’ for the next few months, and if all is well there he will remove me from his list. I am slightly sad about that – have I mentioned that he’s a silver-fox?! 🙂
And that’s my over-sharing done for the day now…haha – in fact I was talking with my trainer earlier about how people over-share on social media…erm – guilty!
On that note, I am off for the day – I have just had shitty news about work this evening which has pissed me off and so I am off to meditate and find my happy place – and it has nothing the do with the happy place that was being looked at earlier on today! 🙂
My food has been okay:
Breakfast – mushroom and spinach omelette.
Lunch – Greek yogurt with raspberries, walnuts, and almonds.
Dinner – Serrano ham wrapped asparagus with goats cheese and lemon olive oil kale.
And I also managed to fit in a training session today too…so it’s all going well.
Thank you for reading!