I just have to share – I have had a really fucking good day!
One of those days when you feel in ‘flow’ and everything seems to fall into place. I have had a few ‘WTF?!’ moments…but they are par for the course with work. I had a good nights sleep, a good session at the gym, a good drive to work – although some woman swore at me in the company car park…so I waited for her to come back into the building and advised that it probably wasn’t a good thing to swear at someone she didn’t know! – a mammoth meeting, avoided the giant bag of marshmallows and pile of chocolate on the table in front of me…all day, had a very productive session with one of the big directors, a lovely drive home with great tunes and blue sky – until it started to hail, some time with my niece and nephew – who decided to tell me that he loves how my bum wiggles…again! – and then had dinner, a chat with my boss, and am now chilling out. Phew!
Anyway, last week I wrote about toxic behaviour and how we can change our own behaviour to find a better balance and perspective on life. It was a long old bit of writing and I decided to split it and, at the request of many – so many emails and messages from you! – I have got part II here for you:
Making superficial judgments about others:
Don’t always judge a person by what they show you. Remember, what you’ve seen is oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or what they were driven to show based on their inner stress and pain. Alas, when another person tries to make you suffer in some small way, it is usually because they suffer deep within themselves. Their suffering is simply spilling over. They do not need punishment or ridicule, they need help. If you can’t help them, let them be. Erm…I am not so sure about this one Angel – the Angel who wrote the article I read…not some imaginary friend called Angel…if I had an imaginary friend it wouldn’t be called Angel, it would be called Francesca as that was what I wanted to be called when I was a kid! Anyway – I kind of do judge people by what they show me – not what they look like, but by how they behave. I don’t judge me based on the behaviour of others though. So if you show me that you are a dick in the way that you behave with me, then I will think you are a dick. I might question why you behave like this, and I might feel for you…but I don’t necessarily buy into the fact that their suffering is spilling over. Sometimes I think we can tie ourselves in knots by trying to work out the reasons behind why people behave the way they do. Sometimes I think we feel that there must be something lacking in us if someone is awful to us – however I have been around the block a bit and met my fair share of plonkers over the years, and realise that I don’t care. If you treat me like a tosser then I will cut you out of my life. I don’t have time to fuck around with people who aren’t decent. I’m not quite sure that this is Angel-like…and I now understand why my University Professors suggested a life in counselling wasn’t for me!
Cruelty (or lacking empathy and compassion):
One of the most toxic behaviors – cruelty – stems from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for others. We see it every day online and in the media – people being devastatingly unkind and hurtful to others just because they can. They tear people down online in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a shield. Cruelty, backstabbing, and hurting others for any reason is toxic, and it hurts you as well. If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in your tracks. Dig deep and find compassion in your heart, and realise that we’re all in this together. Bless Angel – she sounds like a really wise and lovely person! We are all in this together but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with people. Online and media can be hurtful – I have had quite a bit of venom directed my way online…but I personally find it quite amusing now – I like to ‘play’ with people who send me awful messages and try and fuck with my flow!
Cheating and cutting moral corners simply because you can:
Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse! If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t think that this person is a fool. Realise that this person trusted you much more than you ever deserved. Be bigger than that. Don’t do immoral things simply because you can. Don’t cheat. Be honest with yourself and everyone else. Do the right thing. Integrity is the essence of everything successful. Angel sounds so wise…I wonder what shit she is dealing with. I can’t say that I know anyone who cuts moral corners or cheats because they know they can. I have known relationship cheaters and I have to say that those people have done so for valid reasons…not just because they want to be cunts. I think Angel is referring to cheats in the ‘other’ sense…and I have to confess that I do cheat…I am so shit at Monopoly and other board games that it’s the only way I can win!
Hiding your truth:
People cannot connect with you if you’re constantly trying to hide from yourself. And this becomes a truly toxic situation the minute they become attached to your false persona. So remember, no matter what age, race, sex, or sexuality you are, underneath all your external decorations you are a pure, beautiful being – each and every one of us are. We each have light to shine, and missions to accomplish. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side, your own special creation. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are. Don’t deny yourself, improve yourself. I agree wholeheartedly with Angel on this one. The problem is, we have a vision of what it is that we should be – what our life should be – and it’s hard to just be yourself at times. It’s hard to realise what it is that you want to be, how you want to behave, how to be authentic. My ‘authentic’ is so fucked up at times…sometimes I am the loveliest person and sometimes I can be a bitch – and there are factors like work and family and friends that come into it. It’s a scary proposition to think about reviewing all of these things…but maybe it’s essential? Ooooh – that’s a rather deep one!
Needing constant validation:
People who constantly strive for validation by others are exhausting to be around. Those who get caught up in the need to prove their worth over and over and over, and constantly want to win over everyone around them, are unintentionally toxic and draining. Know this. Over-attaching to how things have to look to others can wear you out and bring everyone else around you down. There is a bigger picture to your life, and it’s not about what you achieve in the eyes of the masses. It’s about the journey, the process, the path – what you’re learning, how you’re helping others learn too, and the growing process you allow yourself to participate in. I think we all seek validation at some point, and you’re lying if you say otherwise – we all want some kind of reassurance at times. But if you keep doing this then it gets tough…you need to find a way of being comfortable in your own skin and chucking some shit in the ‘fuck it bucket’…having the validation of others and that constant concern for what others think of you, well, that’s some draining shit. Be you…you’re pretty awesome!
Being a stubborn perfectionist:
As human beings, we often chase hypothetical, static states of perfection. We do so when we are searching for the perfect house, job, friend or lover. The problem, of course, is that perfection doesn’t exist in a static state. Because life is a continual journey, constantly evolving and changing. What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow – that perfect house, job, friend or lover will eventually fade to a state of imperfection. But with a little patience and an open mind, over time, that imperfect house evolves into a comfortable home. That imperfect job evolves into a rewarding career. That imperfect friend evolves into a steady shoulder to lean on. And that imperfect lover evolves into a reliable lifelong companion. It’s just a matter of letting perfectionism GO. Well Angel, when I work out how to do this one I will let you know. In the meantime, I am going to keep striving…and being stubborn!
Well – isn’t Angel a wise old soul? I do find this kind of stuff quite irritating – and it irritates me because a lot of it is right. I waste energy and thoughts on things that aren’t important…I like to think of my day in terms of mobile phone charge. You wake up in the morning and are fully charged. Then the shit that happens in the day drains your battery. If you give all of that energy to inconsequential stuff – worrying about what other people think of you, trying to be ‘perfect’ – then it leaves you less energy for the stuff that matters!
Anyway – I am tired now and have another jam-packed day before the bank holiday…so I am heading off. In fact, I am watching a documentary about a chap who has lost his limbs and part of his face to toxic shock syndrome…it’s fucking emotional and inspiring and shocking all at once – I have shed a few tears already and feel like a bit of a cunt for worrying about the shit I worry about when people are facing this kind of thing. It’s humbling. He says that he was on the wrong path and his illness has set him straight – it’s quite powerful viewing…and puts all of the stuff above into context. It’s a Channel 4 documentary – The Extraordinary Case of Alex Lewis – if you fancy watching it.
My food for the day looked like this:
Breakfast – pre workout boiled eggs, and a post workout smoothie which was fucking awful – broccoli, spinach, lemon juice, and a pear…never again!
Lunch – more green shit, but this time it was a rocket, watercress, and spinach salad with smoked salmon, olives, avocado, and baby plum tomatoes.
Dinner – chicken, roasted peppers, red onion, tenderstem broccoli, and peppers, with parmesan – and some Greek yogurt with almonds.
Thank you for reading,