Following on from the success of his last ‘insight’ Mr WLB has once again decided to hijack my blog. I have tried not to edit his musings but some of the things he decided to share just aren’t suitable for public consumption!
I have a warped sense of humour and no subject is off-limits as far as I am concerned…but this isn’t always appreciated by others. Plus, Mr WLB is pissing me off with his eating habits at the moment and I have told him that I might put him up for adoption and find myself a new man – in which case, I can’t be sharing my warpedness too soon with any prospective suitors! 😉 Haha!
So here goes then:
Hello. It’s me again. Mr WLB. (he sounds like fucking Adele!) I’ve been hearing from WLB that there is interest in me writing a weekly article on her blog, so here’s the second instalment of ‘Living with Weight Loss Bitch’!
Over this past week I’ve been making notes, when I remember. Here’s some of the shit she has said!
Whilst I was tucking into a pain au chocolat one morning she said, ‘It looks like you’re eating a bumhole!’ She has a way of providing a delightful start to the day! (Come on…they do look a bit like bumholes…the same as those little Chocolate Eclair sweets do, and the same as olives do! And even after telling him that it looked like a bumhole, he continued to eat it – I was trying to put him off for the sake of his health! Thinking about it, the only foods I can’t stand – to my knowledge – are pain au chocolat and anything with choux pastry…useless bit of info there for you!)
Can anyone remember the kids programme Trap Door? Apparently I farted in my sleep and it sounded like the trap door creeking open. She decided to sing the theme tune to the programme at the top of her voice whilst I was sleeping. What a delightful way to be woken up! (He does some horrendous sounding farts – don’t we all?! – and this one was exactly like the Trap Door noise and it made me laugh…so I decided to share my mirth using song to express myself…at 5.30am!)
We went to see a comedy gig the other night and a polite old gentleman knocked on the window on behalf of someone who was trying to park behind us and asked if we minded moving up a little bit. WLB wasn’t impressed in the slightest as you could have fitted a bus in the space! She said that it wasn’t a problem to the man and then wound the window up and began effing and jeffing! I had to try and calm her down. I’m the polar opposite to her and got her to count to 10. WLB said she would have preferred him to have knocked the window and said, ‘Would you mind moving up a bit as the old fucking sausage behind you can’t park for shit.’ She then didn’t shut up about it for ages and kept going on and on and on. (The only reason I kept going on and on and on – cheeky twat – was because it took them fucking ages to park and genuinely there was enough room for a bus behind Freddie Freelander. The woman kept shunting backwards and forwards and it took an age – in fact, I was worried that I’d have to arrange their fucking funeral, it took so long. I was going to offer to park it for her but Mr WLB wouldn’t let me! I wouldn’t have minded if the space was really tight, but it genuinely wasn’t and I was in a strop and didn’t see why I had to block myself in at the front in order for a dick to park behind me! And yes, I am irrational and even more-so the week before my period!)
One day this week for some reason she started a conversation about who was the first person to say that wanking causes blindness. After a lot of laughing and debate we still haven’t worked out who that person was. (The reason I mentioned wanking is because he always sits there with his hand down his pants, like his bollocks are going to run away. I happen to think that it was some poor woman who walked in on her teenage son cracking one off that mentioned the blind thing. And for anyone who has seen Jimmy Carr’s latest show on Netflix, you’ll know all about being glazed! Although I will say that there’s nothing wrong with having a wank – perfectly healthy and I reckon we’ve all had a fiddle at some point…you’re fibbing if you deny it!)
We were talking about sports and WLB turned around and said. ‘I’m into sports – watersports!’ I couldn’t help but laugh as she was only kidding. (I am not quite sure what perverse things he was thinking…I genuinely like canoeing! 😉 )
Apparently I twitch a bit in my sleep. I cycle 150 miles a week so it must be because of this. Her response one evening was, ‘Stop twitching you bed partner twat! You feel like you’re fucking tanked up on eccie’s and raving your tits off!’ (In my defence this was at 2.40am – he doesn’t just twitch, he kicks his fecking legs around and it is disturbing in more ways than one. I have some hefty projects on at work at the moment and need to get a good sleep, so I sent him downstairs. This was the night before he almost punched me in his sleep after waking me up with his screaming…the reason for this malarkey was apparently a nightmare. A nightmare in which I put a live fish down the back of his top! For fuck’s sake – my nightmares involve heads being chopped off with JCBs and all sorts of weird shit…not fish down tops!)
She is like a whirlwind in the mornings. I have never met anyone like it. A million miles an hour and a hundred requests and then she’s gone and all is quiet. She was getting dressed one morning and was sat on the edge of the sofa putting socks on when she said, ‘That poor sofa is creaking and saying, ‘Get off me fat cunt!’ You never quite know what she is going to come out with. (We have a creaky sofa and it gives me a daily reminder that I need to lose weight!)
We were having an afternoon cuddle and I tried to give WLB a massage. She said, ‘That’s not a massage, that’s creepy touching – if you’re going to massage me then do it hard and properly, not like you’re tickling me!’ (I don’t like prissy fecking massages – I like nice deep rough ones…and this all sounds so wrong and it’s genuinely not a double entendre…although…! 😉 )
We have a local juice bar and one of the drinks is called Clear Skin. I was giving WLB a cuddle and asked if she fancied going to the juice bar? Her response was, ‘Yeah, let’s go and get a foreskin.’, (her nickname for the drink) and then went on to mention the fact that her ex-boyfriend had a really big willy and that it used to bleed as he had a tight foreskin. This wasn’t quite the discussion I was anticipating during a romantic embrace. We then collapsed in fits of laughter as she sometimes says things like that and realises a split-second afterwards how inappropriate it is. (This really was one of those moments that I wished my brain had engaged a second or two earlier. You don’t talk about your ex-boyfriends schlong. For the record, Mr WLB isn’t that shabby either – and he didn’t pay me to write that bit! 😉 )
I glanced at WLB the other night and smiled at her her. ‘Eww stop smiling, it looks like you are having a poo!’ (It did – it was a grimace, not a smile!)
I was thinking of doing a cycling delivery job and was concerned about my safety as the deliveries would involve late nights. I said that I wouldn’t want to get beaten up by bigger boys at night, and she said, ‘I wouldn’t want that either as you are a bit of a pussy!’ (I was trying to encourage him not to take a job involving late nights that might involve visiting the less salubrious areas of our delightful city…I just wasn’t quite so eloquent in my response as I am now!)
As I was preparing a nice dinner for her she thought I was perving at someone on the TV. Hand on heart I wasn’t! She said, ‘Concentrate on making my meat and not looking at the fucking meat on the TV!’ (He was perving – and he’s not as subtle as I am. I fully admit to being a perv – I have said before that I think it’s okay to window shop as long as you don’t finger the goods! However, it is not okay to perv when you are cooking dinner…food needs the utmost attention!)
I have a parka coat and cross my legs in a non-laddish way. She told me that I looked like a caggy-legged version of Kenny from South Park. (I don’t have a defence for this…I am an awful person.)
We went through the car wash at Asda where multi coloured foamy liquid is sprayed onto the windscreen. ‘That looks like alien gizz!’ (Well I am not quite sure what alien gizz (or jizz) looks like…but I would imagine it’s kind of out of this world looking shit!)
Then she has been doing this really random laughing/crying. I think it’s a hormone thing. She will see something that makes her feel sorry for someone, and she’ll get upset but laugh at the same time. She literally cries with laughter and I can’t tell if she’s upset or laughing. She’s so difficult to live with. Today it was because a man dropped his umbrella in the street, then there was a kid called Alvin on a programme who didn’t get a chocolate coin, and then there was the programme about getting people with autism and Tourettes a job. She is a bit mental. (Okay – so I do think this is linked to hormones, as I was on really strong hormones for about 4 years – apparently they were 100 times more powerful than the hormones in contraceptive tablets – and now I am not on them. So sometimes, if I find something silly upsetting then I cry, but realise what a nob I am and start laughing – but it all happens at the same time. He filmed me doing it today! Some chap was walking along a busy road balancing an umbrella on his hand and looking all cool…until he dropped it. I felt sorry for him as there were loads of cars going past and I thought he might have felt a bit of a prick. So I started crying and laughing. I need help!)
She spotted a woman in the car park at Asda the other day and mentioned how pretty she was. ‘Bitch!’ was the next word out of her mouth but she went on to say that the woman looked amazing in leggings whereas she looks like a roll of black pudding tied in string. She does make me laugh. She is never judgemental about people – at least about the the way they look – and it made me chuckle that she wasn’t happy about how good someone looked in leggings. (Yes, I was jealous for a split second. She looked amazing whereas I really do look like a fecking lump of black pudding tied with string. Fuck it though. Who cares…wear what the fuck you want!)
This evening I was talking about strange sexual practices and happened to mention ‘felching’ – please don’t Google it! I told her what I thought it was and she promptly corrected me. I am now wondering how on earth she knows about it. Although she is one of those irritating people who seems to know everything. (I know about it…I am not actually quite sure how I know about it. I must have read about it somewhere! This actually reminded me of the time that a relative of his started talking about Glory Holes – the small spaces in old houses where people used to worship…or the small holes you find in toilet cubicles that people stick their nobs in to get sucked off!)
She made me take out some other stuff. I don’t think you’d mind it but she thought it made her sound awful. She is probably one of the poshest swearers and best communicators I know and isn’t all Jeremy Kyle style. I think she says it’s like adding herbs and spices to her sentences! When she speaks to people she doesn’t swear a lot, unless she is really comfortable around someone. I love living with her. We can talk about all sorts of stuff and she makes me feel comfortable and able to be myself. She is the best person I know. (Hahahaha…I don’t sound all Made in Chelsea posh swearing, but I am not a common chavvy swearer either. Talking about Made in Chelsea, that came back on this week and I am gutted that Proudlock isn’t in it anymore…he’s the most handsome man I think I have ever seen!)
I am off to chill out now and have decided that I am going to try and not give him any material to work with. I am going to try and be all prim and proper this week – shall I take bets on how long I can last?!
Before I head off, here’s my food for the day:
Breakfast – wilted spinach with asparagus, topped with poached eggs and avocado.
Lunch – a quick grab’n’go job from M&S – they were quite tasty! I ate this whilst Mr WLB ate two giant cheese pretzels.
Dinner – I had planned on scallops with cauliflower puree but I couldn’t get scallops – so I went for wild rocket with mackerel pate, smoked salmon, spring onions, green olives, baby plum tomatoes, and camembert.
Thank you for reading his ramblings!