This was one of the many questions that Alex asked me before we started working together.
I had to think about it.
What would you say if someone asked you that? Think carefully about it…are you afraid of death?
Amongst the many questions I was asked, this one has stuck with me – I remember my response and I am still thinking about it today.
‘I’m not sure.’ I said. And then I explained that I had been diagnosed with cancerous cells which was directly linked to my weight, and that this hadn’t stopped me from binge-eating and gaining even more weight. I explained about my type 2 diabetes diagnosis, and that I was gaining weight again and therefore couldn’t be that bothered about death – having been taken off all of my diabetes medication and improving my situation after working hard on losing weight and leading a healthy lifestyle, I was digging myself right back into that hole.
I remember thinking about it before I met with him – it’s one of those things that plays on my mind – why was I continuing to do something that I knew was taking me down a path of self-destruction? Being aware of your behaviour and actions is the first step towards changing them…and yet there I was, incredibly aware, but carrying on regardless.
Does that mean that I am not bothered about death?
I said, ‘If you handed me a chocolate bar and told me that eating it would kill me instantly, then I wouldn’t eat it. Yet I am binge-eating and poisoning myself slowly.’
Alex concluded that I was afraid of death. He was right…
Earlier today, a friend sent me this picture:
It reminded me of that conversation and my responses.
It reminded me that as much as I would like to sit here this evening with my hand in a giant bag of cheese Doritos watching Netflix, that this wasn’t conducive to my goal.
It reminded me that the majority of food that I had been binge-eating was full of crap.
It reminded me that I have put a lot of this shit into my body over the years…and that it’s going to be a long road to recovery.
‘Recovery’ might be a strong word but, for me, this is what it feels like. I cannot hand on heart say that I won’t eat this kind of food again. It is designed to taste good, to look appealing, and the advertisers practically open the packets and pour it down our throats – it’s not easy to avoid and there are many who say that you shouldn’t; that moderation is the key. However I know that I have more than had my fill of this shit. I ate an enormous amount of it in order to reach the weight that I did. Undoing that damage is really important to me and I want to try and avoid it wherever possible. ‘Moderation’ is not a word that is in my vocabulary when it comes to junk food…or buying nice watches…or buying cars – so I try and avoid doing these things! 😉
On that note, I am going to bugger off. I haven’t got much to say for myself today and have a hot date with Netflix and my PJs!
My food today has been really tasty:
Breakfast – Vietnamese raw vegetable parcels with extra carrot and beetroot salad.
Lunch – Mackerel and poached egg salad.
Dinner – Sausages with tenderstem broccoli and celeriac gratin.
Thank you for reading,
P.S. Give Alex’s page a ‘like’ and take a look at his posts – he talks quite a lot of sense…most of the time! 😉