I am really struggling today! 🙁 For some reason I just feel quite fucking irritated and angry with myself and I am letting some of my old insecurities creep in…I need to knock this on the head quickly.
My new wardrobe doesn’t help…they are mirrored ones and getting out of bed looking like a troll a la 80s style does nothing for the body confidence!
Seriously though – most of the time I am pretty fucking happy with my lot in life and can find the positives in most situations. I have a fair old bit of confidence – too much at times, bordering on arrogance! – I am comfortable with ‘me’…but I just don’t like my body and that can be really fucking hard to deal with. I look at other people and wish I had what they had…yet know that they aren’t really happy either. You have probably been there too – someone who’s body you would kill to have and then you hear them complaining about feeling fat, which leaves you feeling like a fucking manatee ‘sea cow’!
Wanting what you can’t have – like a box of Krispy Kreme donuts, a giant bag of cheesy Doritos, and a pile of fucking burgers in todays case – is something that is always going to crop up though and I need to deal with this shit without turning to more shit…and I need to do it on my own without relying on other people to help me through it.
I have also had a lot on with work, have broken out in acne, and my horse – who is away from home – is apparently not doing too well at all and is missing me and has developed ulcers due to his stressing about being away…the men in my life, it seems, can’t cope without me! 😉 My other horse has a growth on her stomach, and my dog has a cancerous lump on her leg and I need to make a decision about when to take her to the vets to have her PTS…she’s 16 and I am not sure how long to keep her going. My boiler is fucked, I have a nail in my tyre…anyway – for fuck’s sake…this all sounds so silly!
It’s just a bit stressful right now and I am swinging between being very fucking happy and then crying – or doing both at the same time…laugh-crying, which is an horrific look! I am probably a ‘case’ for a doctor but I have just decided to sort myself out and crack on.
I am going to focus on the shit that I can influence and take control of…and I need to keep a sane food-head and not turn to that old comfort blanket of food. I wanted to take some time out to think about how I can get stronger and fitter and appreciate the things that I can do, rather than focusing on what I can’t do.
I have written about this before; trying to learn to recognise and appreciate all of the great things that your body – the body that you sometimes hate – has done and continues to do for you…so I thought I would take a look at some of the stuff that has helped me in the past…I wrote the following back at the beginning of last year and I hope that re-writing it might help me absorb it by some sort of written osmosis! 😉
You deserve to be healthy and happy and at a weight that you are comfortable with – more importantly, you deserve to feel fucking fabulous!
Let’s face it – the most important relationship you and I will ever have is with our own bodies…it’s certainly the longest relationship we will have! My wobbly and wonky body is pretty fecking awesome…I love it.
The thing is, I didn’t always love it. I treated it like crap. I hated it. I didn’t see how wonderful it was – how wonderful I was – my body is my best mate…and has been there for me through thick and even thicker!
It’s hard though, isn’t it? To learn to love a body that isn’t ‘perfect’…whatever the feck ‘perfect’ means.
But think about it for second. My body has forgiven me for filling it with rubbish. It has forgiven me for not moving enough. It has forgiven me for all of those tequila, vodka and kebab-fuelled late-nights out. It has even forgiven me for my misuse of laxatives, and purging, and binge-eating, and the starve-binge-starve-binge cycles I put it through.
My body is pretty bloody amazing – and I would put money on the fact that your body is pretty bloody amazing too! Our bodies support us in ways that we cannot begin to imagine…we are pretty bloody special.
‘To my wonderful body,
I didn’t give you the best of starts really, did I? Do you remember the packets of Space Raiders from the tuck shop, and that box of Roses we ate that I was supposed to give to a friend for her birthday..the delightful days of primary school…hockey with plastic sticks and rounders with that boy you had a crush on?
From an early age I compared you unfairly with everyone else. You were robust and strong…but I called you fat and ugly and was embarrassed to own you. Whilst all of your counterparts were flouncing around in puffball skirts, I hid you away in ski pants…the joys of the 80′s will never be forgotten!
I doubt that you will ever forget what I have done to you either. The takeaways, the crisps, the sweets…the lack of exercise…the crazy fad diets…the prescription slimming pills that I managed to get my hands on from a ‘friend’…the herbal laxatives we became a little too fond of…the alcohol binges. The occasional glimmer of hope I threw your way in the form of fresh and healthy foods never lasted long did it?
My crazy mind told me that this sort of behaviour towards you was acceptable. I used and abused you and pushed you to your limits. I am sorry…so, so sorry.
For a long while I hated you. I hid you away and thought that you were ugly. I compared you unfairly with the bodies of my friends and came to the conclusion that I hated you…I hated me.
So looking at you in the mirror today is difficult – and not only because the lightbulb has blown! We have war wounds and battle scars and I take full responsibility for these. We have what can only be described as marks resembling a map of the London Underground all over the bloody place. For me, these represent the journey that we have been on together…and the journey that we will go on and have together.
What I used to think of as ugly and horrid now seems pretty amazing. We have been through so much together and you are changing…I am changing. We are getting stronger and fitter and I can actually feel these hard bits in places that there were no hard bits before…I think they might be known as bones!
So there are lumps and bumps, and lumps and bumps on top of those lumps and bumps. We have funny spottiness on our upper arms, and hair…oh, that’s another thing we have – PCOS! There is cellulite, hard skin on your poor feet that have carried us around for so long, and a lot of sag. But I now love you.
I really do – I love you for carrying me around and sticking with me when I was at my biggest. There were a few moments when I thought you were going to give up on me, but you didn’t – and so I have decided that I am not going to give up on you and your marvellous imperfections…you are perfectly imperfect and I love you.
There is no such thing as perfect anyway. It’s a myth – remember those magazines I used to read…that’s where I found my versions of perfect…until that day when we had front row seats at Clothes Show Live – do you remember how secretly amazed and happy I was to see cellulite and bruises on the legs of the models? Not that I like comparisons…but it was a delightful moment to see a bit of wobble on a model!
You and I are learning how to live in harmony. We have our issues, but we are getting there. I am learning how I should be treating you and talking to you, and you are reining me in a bit when I get too carried away. I promise that I won’t put you through another aerobics class for a while yet, as your poor knees have taken enough abuse for a while. I promise that I won’t put that crappy food in you again either…after all, Freddie Freelander would not like it if I filled him full of unleaded…so you definitely and absolutely deserve the fuel that makes you operate at peak performance.
On the subject of peak performance, thank you for seeing me through our gym workout today whilst we were getting curious glances from the youth academy footballers in there…and thank you for being able to leg press the arse off that little one! We rocked those weights today! (Note – that was the most awesome gym session I have ever had…I fucking rocked it that day!)
You make me proud. I love taking you to the swimming pool and I think we have just about perfected our poolside sashay. I think we are doing our bit for body confidence by not covering up and just putting it out there…although I would prefer it if you could keep the nipples in check in the swimming costume – they don’t need to put it out there and say ‘hello’ to anyone again thank you!
So that’s it then body – I love you, I thank you, I am proud to own you. Let’s show the doubters that we can reach our goal of healthy…feck the happy that everyone talks about, as we already have that in bucket loads…but the healthy we need to keep working towards, as the wonderful team that we are!’
How did that make you feel? How do you feel about your body? Can you see yourself taking some time over the next few days to have a think about how amazing your body is?
You are responsible for your choices. You are responsible for creating a life that supports your wonderful body and your health. Take some time to start appreciating what you have – a fecking amazing body!
The thing is, we spend so much time comparing what we have to what everyone else has…when has that ever done you any favours? The issue with comparing yourself with others is that these people don’t actually look like that – I am talking about pictures in magazines and stuff…this shite is fake and Photoshopped to death…pictures of perfect looking men and women! Then there are companies like Special K and their adverts designed to make us want to look great in red clothes – I already rock red clothes I’ll have you know…and Special K ran a ‘diet’ campaign once that turned me down for help as I was too fat!
Anyway – what I am trying to say is that you deserve to feel as fabulous as you really are. Don’t fill yourself full of fake, cheap, or easy fast foods…you deserve more than that…your fabulous body deserves more than that!
I am in danger of preaching now – and I need to fucking practice this shit myself – so I am going to shut up and move on. I just needed the reminder that my body is pretty fucking awesome even if it doesn’t look like I want it to. Only yesterday it rowed me 3k. Mr WLB popped his head around the gym/spare room door and chuckled whilst I was rowing…he said, ‘I bet there aren’t many people of your size on a rowing machine right now, keep going!’ It made me feel good…my body made me feel good yesterday.
Today is another story – I feel pretty shit but I am going to work on it. I feel shit that I put a massive chunk of weight back on…weight that I fought so fucking hard to get rid of. But you can’t look backwards – you can review where you went wrong and how to avoid it next time…but dwelling on it and using it to beat yourself up isn’t conducive to progress.
So I am going to crack the fuck on! 🙂
Other than my poor-me bitch mood today, I heard the bad news about my horse…and so went to see my other horses for cuddles and tears and spent five hours up at the stables in the fresh air grooming them with my little dog for company. My bestie then bought her new chap over to meet me there – he seems like a cool dude. I then headed home with some tunes on to try and cheer myself up…and spent some time relaxing and trying not to think of my working week ahead and the challenges that will bring. I also got on with some food prep for the next few days at work…it’s easy to let this shit slip when I am not feeling good – which then gives me another reason to eat shit. Although that didn’t go according to plan as Mr WLB had bought squidgy avocado and when I pointed out that ‘I like hard ones’ he laughed…and I saw red and threw the avocado across the kitchen…where it missed his head by a couple of inches. I have had some crazy rages before – throwing things around – but had managed to go without doing something like that for quite some time. 🙁 Fuck it – guacamole for lunch tomorrow then! 😉
Sometimes I reckon you just need to wallow in self-pity for a while and I am going to watch the Countryfile Shakespeare special – I bloody love Shakespeare! – and head for an early night and hide under my duvet!
Todays food was tasty:
Breakfast – Italian sausage, smoked turkey rashers, button mushrooms, spinach, and scrambled eggs.
Lunch – Edam with olives, blueberries, baby plum tomatoes, and red and green pepper.
Dinner – Chicken breast stuffed with stilton and wrapped in serrano ham, wild rocket, roasted celeriac cubes, and baby plum tomatoes.
Thank you for reading,